Bidding and Beating

I won this bid on eBay without giving much thought to it.

and hideous as it might be, it seems warm and friendly.

Yet another apartment viewing planned turned failed, but yesterday was enlightening just the same or even more. I met up with Solo’s GF Anne and we spoke for 3 full hours about the wonders of the Nutritionist and Public Health field. She reminds me a little of Judy and I really just love her. She is already an RD and is now getting her Masters in Public Health. So obvi I’m way way far behind, but she was able to soothe my concerns about it being the right choice for me, as well calm me down a bit about the whole loan thing. I also think I’m now excited to apply to NYU for the fall instead of waiting for Columbia. I’d rather be accepted in a course and know it’s a neat tiffany’s box with a ribbon tied on top. So now I will go to the info session and start writing the essays and stuff. I’m really excited. I feel like we revved each other up and pushed our passion buttons for the cause so that we can move on with a purpose. So that was that, and wonderful.

Then I won this.

Fine. You know, because I actually think this one is pretty.

And then I went to Rockwood and fell dumb in love with Katie’s voice and songs. What a little unassuming pixie to belt out such energy and melody. Totally shocking in a lovely way. And Nate Joey and Greg and Amber. Really, I kept thinking myself “never underestimate the power of familiar faces.” I was so happy. Amber played her new song which I FREAKING LOVE. I can honestly say it’s my favorite I’ve heard in the longest time. It’s so brilliant. Her songwriting keeps escalating in quality and making my mind and heart spin more and more.

After that whole set I left to try and catch my bus at Port Authority. I failed, and went to the bus station bar where they charged me 6 dollars for a cup of cranberry juice mixed with water while I watched the karaoke scene which was totally pumping. I got home late, tired, and a bit frustrated by certain individuals in my life. So I wrote a little dramatic paragraph and dialed in to my dreams.

Amaze****s

I had the plan set up perfectly to go into the city on the 12th and see Patti Smith’s interview. I knew that I wanted to get there with plenty of hours of leeway so I’d be sure to get a spot. I went to Williamsburg, got the check from the bowl, and ran back to Union Square. When I got to the desk and asked what I should do to make sure I get a spot, all five people behind the counter looked at me with so much amusement and said “you mean you want to camp out for a week?” Yup. I got the week wrong. So I went back into Williamsburg to meet up with Lauren. We had an awesome walk and chat, and then she turned to me and asked “do you want to come with me to Junk?” After a pretty funny exchange of looks and comments she informed me what it was, and we went there. What a fun place! It’s got all sorts of fun vintage odds & ends & furniture & clothes & dolls & buttons &…you get the idea.

We did manage to find a cool piece for her t-shirts. So we bought it and went grocery shopping and then took a sweet ride back to her place. We were very productive and her room has much more space now. And she made a badass salad and ate it out of a pot. She really is just too cute.

She should just always be near me. That’s all.

Processed Addictions are Gross

I’m trying to clean up my act. With food, with exercise, with my thoughts, making sure that I’m generally centered. I’ve already ‘gone vegan.’ I’m back to working out a few days a week. I can get my old jeans on (without buttoning them). But my big obstacle right now is processed cereal. Which is really processed starch. This lovely non-food group has been haunting me when I get a craving, and any time I give into the craving I end up eating WAY  too much of it. Like a binge. So that’s my physical obstacle that I need to quit cold turkey.

The emotional obstacle kind of can be seen as the same catagory. Processed people. The people who run around in circles petting each other’s egos and running the rat race of a popularity contest that all this twitter/facebook/tumblr and goodness knows what else IS. I have to quit running after and craving processed foods, people, and friendships. They make me feel ill, stressed, unwholesome, lost, and generally SAD.

Shelf Life.

It happens to books, cd’s, souvenirs, songs, friendships, bands, favorite clothing…practically everything. What ‘happens’ is the end of the time in the limelight. Most subjects on earth have their moment(s) to shine and feel the love and then get shelved. And the shelf gets filled up with countless other odds and ends, remainders, reminders of once being the favorite.

So the question is how long does it last? And is it worth sticking around on a crowded shelf in case that day comes when your presence is missed and you are pulled down off the shelf to play for another round.

Destiny Fail.

Butter but Better

In a sad state of thoughts,

I feel like I have a lot in common with butter.

I add a lot in a subtle way to random situations.

I’m good on sandwiches (like I’m good at being a third or fifth or seventh etc.) wheel.

I can’t take the heat (I melt from stress).

But I don’t do well when things are too cold. (when people are mean).

So yeah, people definitely appreciate my presence, BUT…

They also seem to find easy replacements.

I’d like to be better than butter.

This is a New Year…and it will give the world to you.

Decade O’Ten

It’s the first week of this new year and new decade, and I want to take a minute to write a sort of resolution and/or realization which I’d like to try and keep in the front of my mind while living for the next while. I have a habit of caring too much about everything. Whether it’s micro managing at a job and stressing out if everyone is doing their part to make the entire “machine” run smoothly. Or if it’s all the individuals that make up the web of the people I know. I care so much about everyone, and I remember Chloe once wondering out loud to me what was driving me to always want to be part of it. I don’t quite know, but I know I’d by lying to myself if I said I didn’t want it in my life. However, it’s unhealthy to keep using energy to care so much about people who barely notice if I’m gone. Lauren wrote something today on twitter and it really resonated with me. “I wonder if the person who coined the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” dated the “out of sight out of mind” person. Disaster.” I often feel when I’m living at Mum’s that no-one notices that I’m gone, and I go nuts with missing them. Sucky, right? So my main want for channeling energy this year, is to try to channel it more to people who at least fuel me back in some way. It would be wrong to love purely for reciprocation but there’s got to be some balance so I don’t waste away  cold and left out of people’s arms and hearts.

The drawing board to wrap up this Decade.

So there went Christmas

l’m officially going to sleep in my own bed tonight. MINE. Not Sister’s. Something clicked in my brain last night and I realized I’d like to get organized before I move. D didn’t really get that since maybe it would be easier to just move back to the city from Sister’s room. But I think the way my mind works, it will only have peace if I know my room at Mum’s is all set and still when I move on.

Holiday Hop has come and gone. As has Kristin & Deb’s party. K & D’s party happened during a huge snowstorm which made it quite a hilarious panic trudging over there and back with Rosi and Elizabeth. But it was all warm and cozy in their new place and I was quite happy to be there. We made a whole pot of hot toddy’s!

Christmas didn’t turn out quite as I planned, since BMCC called me in last minute to do stuff I couldn’t decorate the tree with Rosi, and since I was home at Mum’s on Christmas morning, I didn’t get to do the whole opening presents under the tree thing. BUT I did go to Rosi’s on Christmas day, eve. Which is I guess the Eve of “Aftermath.”

There’s trouble in my mind again. I keep having nightmares about going to school, finding an apartment, finding a job, and girls & guys. It’s all so strange. What if I have some condition of OCD which makes sure that my brain dreams about what I’m too scared to budge about during the day. I keep second guessing myself. It’s not even second guessing…it’s more like repetitive guessing. Just when I thought I was getting comfy with my path. Am I a vagabond in my mind even when I try to stabilize my physical being?

I’m not at all miserable right now.  I’m content-ish. I’m just so horribly confused. I wish someone could just read a crystal, silver, purple, or red ball and tell me what the fuck is up, and what I should do.

Winter Solace.

Snow has already fallen, made everything beautiful and white, and washed away. Now it’s becoming that brutal cold winter that I swore last year I’d not repeat in New York. Haha. Here I am again. And this time it looks like I’ll be here at least until I finish graduate school if all goes according to “the Plan.” It’s funny because La Chapelle commented on how I am so spontaneous and carefree in my social life and around my friends but deep inside me I fear and hate ‘ifs’ and ‘what ifs’ and not having the nails secure in plan a, b, and c’s surrounding each and every decision. How obnoxious of me! I found out now that BMCC might not let me take the two classes I need to at the same time. I have to go in early Monday morning and protest to some woman who might write out a permit paper and make my plan go back on track. T’would be nice, really. I mean why the fuck would they care if I’m not even getting a degree from them. All I need is to get into grad school, dammit! So my goal right now is to keep my eye on the prize, and to allow myself to focus on my short term priority (which is to get my ass back to NYC and make rent each month) while fulfilling whatever parts of my longer term goal as fast as possible. I’m meant not to be bothered about time because I’m lucky I have a goal at all. Easier said than done while watching friends and cousins getting raises and building nest eggs of money, but the point is I’m not that kind of person, and I need more excitement in my life than working 100 hour work weeks and not having a social life. Boo yah!

Some Cheer.

I woke up with puffy eyes yesterday and dragged myself (using tremendous effort) out of bed, numbly put on my gym clothes and drove to the gym. I would have never guessed that Zumba would go so well right then. Something clicked pretty soon after the class started and the energy just worked with mine. Maybe energy has to be so negative in order to respond to the grandeur of its opposite. I hope not but whatever it was, that was a great session. And then I found Mum’s high school cheer-leading coat in the closet…black with gold letters on the back and gold embroidered name in front. So Score! (And for a funny side note, when I was walking around later I reached into the pocket to warm my hand and there was a paper inside, so I pulled it out, and on the colored with age bit of paper was scribbled a guy’s name and phone number…life is great sometimes). With this new gift of having my optimism back I decided to head into the city to enroll in the second college in two days, hoping that by the time I get to register for classes they will have the ones I need to take. After a long wait and ordeal, I walked through Christmas tree lined streets and scents to the winery to see my peeps and drink a hot toddy. Positivity breeds more of it because then she texted saying we should have dinner. More warm chats accompanied with warm soup. And then we went to see Amber and Adam play at the Living Room. Amber was in a bit of a fragile state when we got there, and it was incredible to see her heal herself by singing. By the time her set was over she had a new power and energy. It’s always a treat to watch and listen to her. And I noticed last night that I tend to hold my breath a lot during her set, unintentionally. And then I stopped around the corner to see Rachel briefly. She is one of those people who it didn’t matter that it’s been a while. We just get each-other. I need her right now. I need Much more of people who get it. Like seriously though, how did this all happen? How have I managed to create this web of heart wrenching talent and wonder all around through and beyond me? ‘Others’ lives seem so terribly boring to me. With some talk to catch up, talk of the approaching holidays and all its possibility for new…Amber and I drifted off to Dreams.

The Doors.

Does everything come down to a fear of commitment in my life? Because the other day after spending way too long trying to enroll in community college and register for classes, it turns out they are offering the wrong ones, BC doesn’t have a program good for what I need, Seattle and Australia dreams are running away from me, and my plan is falling apart. And quite frankly the only way to describe what happened on Monday night, was a Panic Attack. Am I really writing off the next four years of my life without income and taking loans for a hopeful hunch that this is what I’d like to do? It takes the breath out of my chest, makes me freak out, and makes me cry. Which is what I did. Which is truly exhausting. I don’t know how to express everything anymore. Life as I’ve known it is coming to an end, I can’t help but resent normalcy that happens in most ‘other’ peoples lives, and it’s driving me slightly insane. And Mum pointed out that this all might feel like my life is crashing down because as it gets closer, it gets more real, and more frightening. All because I hate commitment. But she made a very good point.

The doors that I feel like I’m closing by making a decision to do something end up getting sacrificed regardless, because as time passes, doors get left behind. The ones that aren’t opened might not be closed, but they are probably fading away in the distance as minutes tick by. So though this moment and the next bit of my future is frightening me out of my skin, deep down I know it’s probably right.

That Year, Though.

How does this happen? Something I used to be against completely; not understand, or think valid comes to slap me in my face. That party that I worked as a freshman comes to mind, and how far removed I was. But then again if we’re being honest, that year when we hung out about ten years ago now, it was the three of us before any innocence was taken from each of us. They are both married with children now, and here I am single, always have been. The other night when I was drinking red wine after making the step to go into the city and hear music even though I haven’t been able to face anyone lately. Enveloped in the warmth of the room and the faces of my friends, I was able to breathe again. When I saw you outside I ran to give you a hug and happily met the rest of the circle. You asked me to come to eat food instead of going to the after party, and it wasn’t even a split second decision. I removed the pom-pom hat I’d been fooling around in, returned it to its owner, and crossed the street. All those girls are probably skeptical. But I’ve learned not to take the cold-at-first manner personally. Often those people are the most real. If they aren’t feeling an emotion, they won’t play at it. I picked the cilantro out of your soup, because it’s totally the kind of thing that bums me out too. I don’t know what you see in me or why, but it makes me happy. Thank you for drinking tea, holding my hand, crossing the street, lending me your couch with stripes, spooning in the morning, and telling me your story. But most of all thank you for commenting on me being single. It has caused motors to start running in my thoughts, and I think I may be onto something. It would have all started back That Year.

Thanksgiving, Out of the Closet

I woke up out of my hazy wine and self pity induced sleep on Thanksgiving morning to rather wonderful scents wafting into my room. I walked into the kitchen and the subjects/owners of those smells were there as tangible proof to their existence. Mumsey was nowhere to be seen so I just walked around with my mouth wide open in awe. She made a stuffed turkey, pumpkin pie, brown rice lentil dish with onions on top, a big green salad, baked mashed sweet potatoes, & cranberry orange bread/muffin. To me this shock of such extensive cooking was like her coming out of the closet. I had no idea she had the ability to do that. I was overwhelmed with pride. 

Po and Co came, and Po made another (apple) pie. And we sat down and ate merrily together. I learned about baby carrots from Po. She said they were a way of using and selling really ugly nubbly carrots. They are put through a shaving machine and in some sort of solution (kinda ew, right?) to keep them pretty. Esther was dressed up really cutely in her Thanksgiving “head-dress” and fun printed dress. Po read her paper from school listing all the kids ‘native/traditional/american’ names. It was a combination of the animal they love and activity they love. Esther’s was “Flying Butterlfy.” So cute. Our meal didn’t last very long (obvi; kids and all) but it was lovely. And I didn’t over-stuff myself .

Vivid or Livid or Worried.

I have a very vivid memory of me sitting on the kitchen floor trying to smooth out the worry wrinkles in both my father and mother’s foreheads when I was very little. I distinctly remember how troubling it was that when I released my little fingers the worry lines were there right away…(not) Once again. Now I here I am trying to battle those similar lines. With no girl and no boy trying to straighten them out.

Solitude and too much time to Brood

La Chapelle probably knows me for the shortest amount of time, yet compared to those who have known me longer she has more insight. She tells me that I have tiptoed into this master plan, without thinking of its HUGE side effect. Social isolation is not something that most humans can survive, but certainly not ME. Sitting in a big room in a big house all alone all day with nothing to look forward to and not seeing any of the faces I adore is more than I can bear. For instance, highlights of this week included: two kind of ok zumba classes, Barrons and Kaplan math workbook work, and over twittering. This existence is less than bleak, and I don’t have any solutions in mind. Another big issue is that when I’m lonely I end up eating more. It’s almost like words from my past are coming to life. When I was on the other end of the table when my friends told me that food fills holes other than hunger. Now I’m the one using it for the wrong purpose, and I hate myself for it. My next post will be focused on being Thankful, because, after all, it is Thanksgiving Eve. But I’m going to burn lots of calories just trying to smile this year.

Zumba, zumba, yikes!

It happens to be that the second the plane hit the ground, there was an immediate reaction of superhuman speed unclicking buckles and jumping up to start the New York rush. The three girls sitting behind me burst out laughing, and I totally understand why. But I was admittedly part of those rushers, and I walked quickly toward the airtrain in close step behind a woman with a red coat and suitcase. We ended up on the same elevator where she made a joke about how fast we all get once we arrive in NY. She had been on my plane from Vegas, and we got to talking. Apparently she is a choreographer for shows on Broadway, etc. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! She was one of the original Zumba instructors, and also choreographed a lot of the videos for Zumba. Naturally I found this exceedingly cool because I just started grappling with it.

Las Vegas

So though there was much speculation by many accounts as to the purity of Shahaf’s invite, I boarded the plane to Vegas after dosing my mocha latte with dewars. And drinking a margarita in flight. Me, my little backpack, and my alcohol arrived safely in Vegas, and Shahaf immediately ordered me to take a cab to the hotel. I was quickly struck by the interesting buildings all over the city as we drove, and the entrance to the Venetian definitely made me gasp. Everything is just lavish and the ultimate of cool.

Shahaf made it quite clear right away, too, that I was not going to spend a penny while I was there. Definitely a relief since I am the ultimate of broke. I got accustom to poker, I loved sitting in the poker room, ordering countless coffee with baileys, (only after he doubled the pile of coins in front of him…because that was when I could finally breathe easily)…and picking up the inklings of the game. He’s really good at it. But since I was there to distract him, we definitely explored the strip too. The first night we walked quite a while down the strip, saw some of the treasure island show until I got claustrophobic and annoyed, and saw the water show at the Bellagio (which we saw a few more times while I was there). We bought tickets to see Love for Monday night. I was also able to clear the air about any “funny business” easily that first night because we were at the poker table and the woman next to us said something about us being a cute couple. I quickly answered how that would be creepy since he was like my brother. I saw him pause for a minute and comment about us being like cousins, but I was able to brush off any possibility of ‘that sort of thing’ happening. Perfect.

Monday was amazing. We played some poker, and went to run some errands at the mall before getting ready to head over to see the show. The show was out of this world. I literally had my mouth gasped opened right at the start of it, and was strung along equally as dumbfoundedly impressed throughout the entire thing. It was such a treat. Tuesday we went to see 2012 across town in XD. I cried about every five or so minutes. It was about the end of the world. It was also the first movie I had seen since New Years Day. We went to Sushisamba later and walked around a bit more. I was already starting to get bummed about returning home. That night as we lay in bed watching TV Rosi’s JC Penney commercial suddenly came on and I freaked out with happiness freaking Shahaf out even more. I was so proud. And then I left early in the morning. At 4 a.m. I shared a cab with a lovely older couple who come every year. And just as I was glowing with satisfaction that I hadn’t spent any money, they told me they lost a lot this trip. Oops. I’m glad Karma didn’t attack me on the flight home. I landed safely back in NY after listening to Regina Spektor on repeat. I feel so lucky. I feel so blessed.

Impatience & Curves.

While it’s true that Life has a way of throwing unwanted curve balls sometimes, the pleasant curve balls come flying through sometimes as well. I spent one hard core week pouring over GRE math books. Working really hard and applying myself. I also have been spending quality time testing out gym classes to give myself a necessary alternative to jarring cardio machines that break body and mind. My impatience battled my spirit with both projects. But I’m equally determined to win over that flaw in both scenarios. 

Shahaf came to the states to play poker for a good month, and stopped in NY for a bit before heading to Vegas. He told me that if he does well he would fly me out to be his break because he tends to spend too much time in the hotel and not enjoy anything while there. I laughed and said I could totally drop what I’m doing and come over if that turned out to be the case. I didn’t really expect it though. 

But sure enough, most of the way through that intense GRE week, he FB chatted me one night saying I should purchase a ticket. It took me a good 24 hours to complete that task due to my disbelief, and slight guilt accepting. But he was serious and even got a bit pissed at my lingering, so I bought a ticket to Vegas on Thursday night for Sunday morning. I was going to Rosi for Shabbat dinner with Bess & Deb, and then lunch at Dov & Aura. I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to spend a weekend. And even better- when I got to D&A I found out that Lady would be there too! Much Red was drunk, (or dranken?) much conversation, gossip, and love spread around. And I was happy.

 

Matters of Life

It’s hard not to wonder what this all comes down to. Life is fleeting. People’s lives are taken in split seconds, and I have decided to devote three years of my life (starting from the fall, no less) to a program just to get a ‘career.’ But there has to be a balance of living each moment fully and making the most out of the bigger picture of Life in general. I loathe this realization, but I’m pretty sure I believe in it. So I’m sitting here studying math like it’s my job. The same trouble I always had with this subject is back to haunt me a million times over. Things that matter, matter. Which brings me to another realization as of late. My dreams, my nightmares, my fears, my desires. They are all based on things I cannot help. They are just intertwined into who I am. Perhaps parts of each are flaws, but one thing is for certain. When I love somebody I can’t help but love them even when they hurt me. And even though it may not be reciprocated most of the time, I have noticed that when someone I care for is In Times of Trouble, I can’t just Let it Be. Call it Lose, Lose. But I think it might be what Win, Win is. Going through life fully aware and in it. It Matters. 

Hit the & On the Spot

Thursday must have felt guilty about making me so cold and wet on Wednesday.

It was beautiful outside. So I decided I’d walk across the bridge and stop in the winery in search of a check.

I showed up and people were happy to see me, and then asked me to work. Like right then. On the spot. Oh the winery…So I said yes because I needed the money. It made me really giddy to be back there, even though I was dressed in sneakers and had to give Amber a raincheck for our Disney night in Brooklyn. It was so nice to see everyone. I finished my shift, drank some yummy red, and went home to the Slope. I’m not gonna lie, I really loved calling the Slope home even just for a few days.

Tea for Two

On Wednesday morning I took a train to get my stuff to Brooklyn into Kristin’s apartment. It was a yucky rainy day. I made plans to meet Adam for tea afterwards. I love just sitting with him and holding his hand while we talk. So we had a wonderful tea date and he told me about his marathon experience in Dublin. I’m proud of him for going through with it despite his hurt foot. He told me he tied Mia’s wedding ring into his shoelace and looked down for inspiration when he needed it. What a specialty. 

He was happy with my display which made me happy.

I walked back to Brooklyn afterward even though it was really wet and I was really wet. When I got back I made sure to get a bottle of wine and settled in and watched TV/wrote blogs/got cozy. It was just perfect.

Babycakes

So Adam was going to come home the next day and I decided to make him a display to welcome him back.

But first, that morning I went to the gym near NYU and totally zoned out everything and tried to get through the hour. Then I went on errands to try and find replacement artichoke dip and thai food. The thai food was easy. I went to Whole Foods and was so sure I’d be able to get the artichoke but I scampered around for quite a while and couldn’t find it. I started to panic slightly. I checked with two different employees and I was outa luck. I don’t know what made me decide to try Russ & Daughters, but I did, and there it was! Quite an expensive little jar of stuff too. So then I decided to try Babycakes once and for all. I walked in and was just looking at all the delectable looking pastries displayed. Then one of the girls who worked behind the counter said “hey can I ask you a weird question…were you at the gym earlier?” And I was. And she was. I remembered her. So we were instantly all friendly. 

I got three ‘lil guy’ donut thingys for Adam & I got a princess cupcake for me to eat right then and there. It was chocolate with mint cream on top. Seriously it was the best bakery good I have ever tasted. So fresh and clean. I ended up staying in Babycakes for quite a while talking to Eden (the girl) and Evan. It’s a really cozy friendly good smelling place. I don’t know how I took so long to try it, but I will be a regular as much as possible. 

 

Jack-O-Lanterns

I met Kristin on Monday morning at a nail place to get her keys. I chatted with her for a little while. Love her. Then I went to the gym near Union Square. It was Adam’s birthday so I was thinking it would be cool to hang out with him at some point. I ventured into Barnes and Noble to look at GRE books right around the time we were going to meet. It frightened me to death how many options there were…despite the magnanamous efforts and success Kristin had with her and her friends giving me tips. There is just SO MUCH. And SO MUCH I just need to relearn. Especially in math. So Adam came over there, and I walked with him down to Rockwood. I bought him a vegan birthday cupcake along the way. I found out about a little pumpkin carving party Matt was having later with Sarah, Kendal and Chocky and I couldn’t help but blurt out a self invite right then and there. So it was on.

 

 

Week. End.

I skipped the Saturday night Pete and J show and just went home.

Sunday  I got up and walked to the gym near the winery. While I was post showering, Gabe called and we decided to meet up for the incredible sunny fall weathered afternoon. I was a little nervous to see him because…well…you know.

It was seriously a brilliant afternoon. We walked and talked all along the East River. Philisophical, Religious, Family, Where I Am Going…we covered it all lightly and I called him my Constant (in LOST’s honor) to his face. I really wonder where we will go. Possibilities are either endless or short lived. Or maybe both?

Then I walked tipsily (we drank Octoberfest Beer on Avenue A) across the Williamsburg Bridge to meet amber to see her French friend sing in Spike Hill. I told Mum on the phone about my lovely afternoon and that if things were different I’d marry him. She told me that people don’t wait around. Wait…what? Was that an irk?

Turns out Amber’s friend was Marcel who friended me on facebook. And whose poster was at Banjo Jims. What a small funny world. Despite the language barrier I was in love with his set. He has the most beautiful, rich voice. Then Amber, Derek, Marcel, Ava, Nina, and their Mom had a quick bubble tea (#2) experience down the block. Then I raced home to do nothing alone.

Lost & Wine

So we did have our LOST party! Wine fountain and all.

For some reason I woke up on Saturday thinking it would be a good idea to walk across the Manhattan bridge to Kristin’s place in the pouring rain. All good. I got to philosophize about what had happened the night before and how we as a human race ruin things which could be so good by taking ‘it’ (whatever the subject is…environment, technology, love, sex…) too far. 

 I finally got to Kristin/Ing’s new apartment in Park Slope. I LOVE it. It’s got a perfect balance of rustic and modern with a long exposed brick wall throughout the place. They also have amazing taste for furniture. Erin showed up with the drink fountain as promised, and it lights up! Kristin had run out to get the DVD’s and we were having all sorts of trouble getting it to start. Kristin came home and babbled something about magical powers. And suddenly it worked. So funny and so bizarre. So we had a great LOST marathon throughout the entire rainy Saturday. It’s funny  how comfortable I feel around them. Here’s to besties hopeful.

 

You’re are Beautiful, But now you’re scaring me.

I came into the city on Friday and went straight to Adam’s place. It smells like heaven in there, and I’m determined to figure out what it is so that I can mimic the scent wherever I go. I went to see Greg & Ian play and they were both wonderful. Greg seems like an entire different act than when I saw him that time at the Living Room. And Ian’s set I was right up front so I was beaming the whole set unaware of the intensely crowded house. She had a whole plan to get all her friendlettes to the Living Room to see her North Carolinian friends play. So…I got there and saw Su and Sarah which made me really high and happy for a few minutes. But that crashed kinda low when I realized that when she had been hinting that they were hanging out that she meant a little more than that. So there I was…in a crowded house getting pushed around down below while  the four of them, and he with his hand around her- up above. I just felt Shitty. Yes, with a capital S. I tried so very hard to concentrate on the music. After all, that was the real reason we were all there. But the music was less than good, I couldn’t help being concerned about the happenings up there, and I was just about ready to leave when J caught my eye. I couldn’t stop the glare before it was 40 feet ahead of me, and I’m pretty sure that’s what drew him closer to talk to me.

Now he becomes you.

You were the one that admitted the crush all along. You were the one who made the first move. You were the one who was too scattered and messed up to deal with stuff. It was easier to just become irresponsibly above all the concrete even though you had defective angel wings. O, I get it that you’re dealing with newly singleness and all that. But seriously, you have the capacity to be real and deep and you choose to be scattered, loose, and even less than insincere. It crushes me more than any crush that was ever between us. It goes beyond the silly jealous girl factor. I honestly want to see you happy. You are NOT happy the way you are being. But I love you because I love what I see in you and I will hold your hand, listen, and be here steadfast anytime for all time.

 But for then, we stood against that crowded wall and talked about how you had been wanting to talk. And that you love me ‘as a person.’ Which. Don’t get me wrong…I believe. I just needed time to process what was going on. To let the whip lash that smacked me right across my face to stop stinging so I could breathe. So I turned and left the party. It was a good move.

Live To Chiv

Thursday I woke up freaking out about how messy and disastrous Mer’s apartment was. So I went into a frenzy starting to organize everything. She called three hours later when I was already thigh deep in clothing and in between boxes…saying she’d be back soon. Two hours later she called with some frantic story. So we had brunch and she was telling me how lofty in love she is. I was happy for her. I tried to explain what I was doing the whole morning and early afternoon because it means so much to me to make my friends feel better about living. I wanted her to feel stable and help her get to one part of that by creating a safe home. So we went back and worked for many  more hours and I felt like a personal organizer/therapist/really good friend. It made my day to see her ‘get it’ and work with me. I wanted to leave early to see the boys play at the living room. I texted J to see if I’d be ok cuz it was supposed to be a badge only event. He told me that Mer had a +3 so I should just use that. That irked me a bit but I tried to keep a rational and realize that he just meant we’d be ok with  numbers. Matthew and his friend Oggy sat with me and I was all happy/teary eyed again. It was especially meaningful to see them play there because that’s where it all started.

I went home that night. Mum was also just arriving home from Aunty Celia’s funeral. I literally went to the gym and left back to the city the next day.

 

Allergies’ Opposite.

Let’s just say I woke up with a stiff hangover. It was so bad that I briefly convinced myself that I was allergic to alcohol. So I met up with Adam L. at Sugar bright & early and drank coffee with him. He gave me keys to his place and then I walked him to physical therapy. I was starvin marvin by that point even though it was barely lunch-time so I walked myself over to Caravan of Dreams which was a cozy darkish place to nurse my drunk wounds. I ate a slow meal and made friends with the server. Small world, NYC. By the time I was feeling a bit better, Meredith had texted me wanting to meet up. So we met at B Cup for a little lovely slice of time and chatted. She needed a nap, and we decided we’d meet up later.

It was a nice day and Greg was also wandering so I met him in Union Square and we did some shopping. It’s fun to shop with guys even though I don’t know much about mens clothing. So much less drama than girl shopping. He decided he’d come with me to see the Boys at Rockwood. We stopped at The Bean for coffee. Phil showed up and even though it took me a minute to realize it was him and go say hi, I told him about the show and he said if his audition finished in time he’d come too. 

The boys made me so happy playing at Rockwood, that I literally teared up. They’ve just come so far. I’m a proud Mama. Greg had a CMJ BMI thing at Crash Mansion so we hung out at (more) coffee and Phil texted wanting to meet up with us to hear his Brit-ness.So we had fun little party in the coffee shop until it was time to walk Greg to his thingy. (I’m going to take this opportunity to say that I love having him live here). The Boys and Mer had gone out because Pete’s parents were in town, So I went and hung out with Amber. She introduced me to Bubble Tea, which was tremendously exciting. And then I went to Bowery Electric to re-meet up with the Boys and Mer. The Madison Square Gardners were playing and I was pleasantly over-surprised to have a kick-ass time. They are SO fun. And it felt like a fairy tale moment. Me, Pete, J, and Mer all hanging out. Brianna was also there which was fun. Mer handed me her keys and left with Pete, which warmed my entire insides because I was so happy to see them ‘like that.’

Deed & Done

Last Tuesday (Oct 20) I finally got my hair dyed at Capri. I was there for so many hours and doing something apparently so unusual that all the stylists were emotionally involved in the process. Quite entertaining. But it was so lengthy a process that when I finally got to the city,  I went straight to the Canal Room to see Amber play (and a bit of April) and then rushed over to Mercury Lounge. But when I got to Mercury lounge nobody answered my texts and then Matt showed up. So I ended up hanging with him at Rockwood and drinking and then going home with him.

 

GLIM

DLO is a captivating photo-capturing Goddess.

It’s like that.

Oh, well I knew you shook the set-up baby, of all the leaves up in the ground
And I know our song is over and heavy as I see dry leaves fallin’ down, oh
With all this fever in my mind, I could drown in your kerosene eyes
Oh, you’re just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?

And as the early sign of dawn of thunder I see you stir the fog around
And when you find the boys and gears of sunset we’ll hear that high and lonesome sound, oh
And I will question every wind if they gone through the glow of your eyes
Oh, you’re just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

Oh, well I know you soak your feathers baby upon the ghosts along my trail
And I know well I was sole and buried before I knew it was for sale, oh
With all this fever in my mind I could aim for your kerosene eyes
Oh, you’re just a target in the sky
I say where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

Happy Jack embroidered this image/text onto my jeans in Austin. There was a song someone covered that tortured my heart most while I was down there too. But I had no recollection of how it went or anything so I had no way of tracking it down. I finally just happened upon it. It’s called “Where do my bluebird fly.” It’s like that.

How can I cry if I’m thirsty?

Shouldn’t a lack of supply refrain another part in the same body from using it? 

I really have no right to be full of self pity. I have been blessed never having to worry about funds for learning…until now. I have been afforded a great private education. But now I finally want to go back to school. I have been spending countless hours researching programs, speaking with the officials, figuring out what I need to do in order to get in and then become a registered dietician. But I didn’t realize how much I want it until today when I was speaking with Mum about G&G and the whole money thing. Nothing is for certain, and she kept saying all these weeks that if they won’t pay for it, we will figure out a way. But I’m DEATHLY scared of student loans. And I never thought that it would come to that. Or that she’d even hint to that. And today that happened and I had to leave her and run to my room so that the tears could flow.

I’m so thirsty for this part of my education that desperation let me cry. How odd is that? And how in the world will I explain to Mum that I cannot ever owe anyone money. Or anything else. There are many complicated layers to this fear, I’m sure. Lots having to do with The Father. Lots having to do with my independent ways.  It is my single greatest fear in this world; being in Debt.

It’s October 15th

and it’s SNOWING. WTF? I’m sorry I just can’t believe it.

because the Wizard told me to.

falling 

into waves of sound

while the leaves get dressed for their great grand

fall

wrapped in cloaks and scarves of fleeting color

green no longer rules the majestic landscapes of rich

auburns, marigolds, and burnt oranges

kaleidoscopes of gliding, colliding 

scraps of whispering souls

gently hither and drifting 

hushed and engulfing 

the great grand earth

but voices notes and ideologies join force with burning empowerment, and wrapping themselves up around

little great grand me, 

only just

fallen. 

 

You’re so fucking special. I wish I was special.

I’ve decided that music completely trashes sexual orientation stability. 

I also have decided that that’s a good thing. Why do we have to associate with just one label? We don’t. 

I will have my girl crushes on certain female singers proudly.

Without thinking I need to change any labels. 

I can have ‘em all. 

Merrily we go Round.

It’s that lovely time of year again. My favorite, crispy, colorful season. I know that it’s in death that leaves lose their green majesty and turn into a colorful scarf of en route to death. But it’s so beautiful, and it’s part of a cycle. So I won’t feel guilty loving it to death. I just won’t. 

I’ve been doing all sorts of research to go back to school. I want to become a nutritional therapist ideally. It seems the way to do that is to go to  DPD program for dietetics and become an RD. Only then does obtaining a Masters seem to be a common next step. So here I am looking into applying and going back to school. I just know I need to do something financially stable, and I love food and I’m obsessed with exercise, and I love coaching people. Crossed fingers, toes? I think so.

Degrees of Education

Mum called me while I was in Austin to tell me that she was pretty sure my diploma had arrived. Mum doesn’t say she’s pretty sure about anything unless she’s more than positive. 

But while I was in Austin I learned a lot of life lessons from Julie. Not just from things she said, but witnessing her life and hearing her talkity talk my ear off at times. 

She fell in love when she was 28 or so. With a musician. A young, struggling, fun musician. So she ended up sacrificing everything she dreamed of then and came to dream of along the way to make her marriage to a selfish immature boy work. And then she got pregnant while she was already working to support him and her, and he wanted her to get an abortion. She wouldn’t because she was a married capable person, and she kept sacrificing more and more just to try. She was more loyal to anything imaginable than the people who should have been loyal to death for those things/people/animals. Loyalty is a blessing to those who receive from it, but it is a curse to those who have no choice but to be that loyal. Like me and her. 

So Will ended up leaving Julie, and though for a while she was able to hold it together despite the stress and depression and raising two young children…once she lost her job she turned to tequila. And I don’t know if control freak despite ability to hold it all together was always part of her character, but now control freak certainly seems her way. 

One thing Julie kept telling me was that if she hadn’t broken her one golden rule of personal space she would have never married Will and she would have never ended up in this kind of life. The golden rule was not to let anyone get in her space. For a while I thought she meant just in general having her space, but then one day she explained that she meant she planned never to live with a guy until they were married. Because that would give her the space not to let things just slide into occurrence.

Rumours.

Yup.