A Tale of Random

It started as a Masquerade party with the greatest couple on earth. We were dressed to the nines with some attitude, suspenders paired with an undershirt and top hat. A chic lace dress with a daring mask, and me in a dress and high heeled shoes, which automatically is a statement. The pretentious folks throwing the party in their lovely flat which spills right out of the elevator, took the idea of a house party and stuck it’s snobby nose way up in the air. To the point where it was comical for me to observe. From the bouncer positioned outside to the ‘list’ and the ‘event.’ To the opaquely dark lit floor creating a sheer insight to the concept of ‘trying too hard.’ And the sushi. And cash bar. And seriously, what the fuck is a folky Tracy Chapman sounding girl singing on a guitar moodily in the corner doing there? This was a jagged edged puzzle with pieces not aligning in the slightest.

We did not stay too long, because drunk sloppy pretentious people stumbling over their own feet because their chins were blocking their view from their perch up high in the air, was simply not our scene. The D.J. was admittedly more than decent, but it was time to move on. So we headed down to Bar 13, and when the words “cover charge” were spoken at the door, I decided I’d have a rendezvous with Max Brenner & his orgasmic chocolate and meet up with the Greatests later.

Marching down the street armed with a getup, which would never be owned by me- a flouncy goddess dress, and the most daring yet darling high heeled shoes- I was bound toward the best form of adultery- a rendezvous with Max Brenner’s orgasmic chocolate creations. But on the way a blond little fellow, with The Little Prince ‘look’ spoke to me. “Where are you going tonight? And why are you heading away from that bar.” I explained that I was not about to spend money on a cover to spend more on drinks, to which he responded with complete agreement, claiming that this was his exact reasoning.
I said “I want chocolate.” He said “I’m gay, I like chocolate too”
and offered me his arm, and together we marched happily down the street in the direction of the Chocolate Orgasm Maker Store. I might point out that no part of my right or left mind would ever do this with a random guy on the streets of New York if he had not said he was gay. But this reality put me at complete ease, and I was filled with happiness. Happiness slightly sloped when we were informed that 1:00 a.m. is closing time for Mr. Brenner, but my new friend, Matt, quickly appeased my sad eyes with the reminder that Walgreens has lots of chocolate, and that will do.

An authentic gentleman, to his core, Matt made sure I walked first, besides for when we entered a revolving door. He explained that in this case it was proper for him to make sure he was before me to push the door. Wow. The chocolate was slightly melted, so he broke pieces off for me to pick at. His fingers could get dirty, but mine were to be protected. I felt so comfortable. He is fluent in German, speaks Icelandic, and dabbles in other languages as well. He has toured parts of the globe with musical theatre, and seen the wine country extensively in the south of France. We walked along in search of a place at that hour which would serve amazing red wine, preferably outdoors.

After several attempts at some of Matt’s ideas, we landed at a big bold wrought set of doors with no name, and we walked into a gloriously decorated bar which mimicked certain speakeasy styles. He ordered a ginger infused cocktail. I ordered the glass of bold Red which he recommended, and were conversed some of the morning away. We discussed practical application for the theoretical, and merging creativity with intellect. We were in a comfort zone, and I was so thankful. I noticed that this comfort oozes out of Matt, for during the short time we spent, several interesting conversations were had with us and others…strangers. It is one of those overused/clichés/ideologies that every girl needs a gay best friend…but if this is one more ‘check’ in my life…I’m certainly not complaining. I might even giggle along as my friends hear the tale of yet another random Max Story, and just shake their heads in that ‘only her,’ ‘of all the random idiocy,’ way.

History Repeating: For Better

When I let my thoughts drift back and and float from crushes and ‘loves’ starting from the very first one I’ve ever had, it’s hilarious, nostalgic, and oddly comforting. It is a fact and common belief that there is nothing like the first love. That first feeling of thinking that guy is the be all and end all of what my heart beats for. The innocent certainty that I can spend the rest of my life with him. But I was just ten years old. And though I never believed there would be anyone else to make my stomach drop like that when he walked into the room, the procession of life knew better, and proved me wrong. And when the next lad came into my life I thought the same thing, the feelings were so intense and I saw not how my life could go on if he was not half of it.

 

over and over

But I’m sure that many can relate to this recurring reality of such authentic passionate feelings. And in a way each time we have those feelings that there will never again be someone we’d fall for like that, it is true. Each person that we come across in this fashion in our lives will always hold a unique part of our heart. Because each period in our lives, we are a different version of ourselves, and perhaps each version has the capacity to love someone else.

So we mustn’t lose hope when hurt shows its face and we feel that our heart is broken in two or more pieces, because that just means we are alive and feeling. And so long as we are alive and feeling, time truly heals, and with that renewal comes every possibility and probability of new, better, love.  And now I’ll retrace every time I’ve used the word ‘love’ and contradict it.

Because the point of it all- the journey of falling in ‘love’- is that those loves are a different form of love than we hope to have in our future. Because though history repeats itself and love reappears in different forms and intensities, hopefully it just keeps getting Better. Until it’s entirely Real. For Life.

History Repeating: For Worse

For Better or for Worse History Repeats itself. And so does Human Behavior.

For worse, if he lost his temper and yelled horrible things to you and was so selfish that your crying was too much for him to deal with, so that his hands found their way around your neck while he just kept yelling at you in anger, it is not just an isolated freakish incident. It is him. It is the darkest secret part of him which he keeps wrapped up and hidden away under his ‘laid back demeanor.’ And I don’t ever want to call you lucky for experiencing what you did, but at least you now know the truth. He crossed the line of control, and once that kind of behavior is let out and displayed, the jig is up. He isn’t the person you thought he was. He is someone entirely different from the person you have loved until now. You can reflect on your sweet memories and pick out aspects you hope to have mimicked in your future, but you cannot fool yourself into thinking you can take him back. You cannot. Because now you know you’d not be taking him back. You’d be taking back a stranger.

A-Muse-D

Why is it that I need to force expressing myself to certain people to try and build a connection when there are people out there who think the same way I do? And please know that I am not in the least bit bitter, rather amused (haha I’m also a muse to some) by it. I guess the problem is that people who realize I get them use me for advice and take that advice and use it to get the people who don’t get them. This is why they say love makes the world go round. Because people are moving forcefully forward in attempt to get their dream and vision of love they want, they move forward away from what may be rational, and chase their fairy tale. Everyone is doing so, everyone is chasing something, and this makes the world actually move around. Pretty cool & sick all at the same time, aye?

Little Miss Max

I am digitalizing my past so it doesn’t get lost. At least I have the opportunity to do that with a scanner and lots of mindless scanning of old photographs. New age and these days allows me to create files on a computer and save them and back them up for eternity. It’s part of my summer resolution to organize collections of cards and photos and stuff in general. So even though I have an active selective memory- I can block complete chapters out of my mind because I felt like it, and now the one’s blocked are irretrievable- physical snapshots of my timeline on this earth can be salvaged. And folded up neatly in a 320 gigabyte external harddrive. Maybe even a cute red one.

Shit & Giggles

People fall into our lives when we least expect it. That’s why on Myspace, even a bunch of years ago, when I first created my profile, before it was so full of garbage, and when it was still all about the music…I answered the bit of ‘who I would like to meet’ by saying “Usually the most interesting and important people that you come across, are the ones you had no intention of meeting in the first place…” I still believe in my own words, because life keeps proving them to me. You don’t expect to adore the person your friend cheats on your other friend with. But we have so much in common and and there are so many sides to each persons’ story. Nothing is black and white, and it is all colorful and quite an intricate 3-D, and possibly 4-D display. If you focus on all the light and shadows,  you start to notice  things which you had never seen before. So yes, I’ve shared a PBR, a tequila shot, a pomegranate martini, quite a few vodka and lime’s, and a wonderful beer called Ayinger Brau Weisse with her. And lots of intelligent conversation. And I keep meeting more friends, for she surrounds herself with some of the greatest people. And I hope to keep on doing so. So, Cheers!

Gone

They’re gone. They’ve moved on.