How, What, When, but most importantly Why?

 

Main Entry:

¹per·son·al 

Pronunciation:

\ˈpərs-nəl, ˈpər-sə-nəl\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Middle English, from Anglo-French personel, from Late Latin personalis, from Latin persona

Date:

14th century

1: of, relating to, or affecting a particular person : private , individual <personal ambition> <personal financial gain>2 a: done in person without the intervention of another ; also : proceeding from a single person b: carried on between individuals directly <apersonal interview>3: relating to the person or body4: relating to an individual or an individual’s character, conduct, motives, or private affairs often in an offensive manner <a personal insult>

How to Flirt…a lesson via Facebook Chat

Max

im playing

i love everything about the paper raincoat

1:56amAlex

aww that makes me happy!

1:56amMax

cuz its cuddly and cozy and sweet but its badass at the same time

1:57amAlex

thank you kindly. sounds kind of like you.

1:57amMax

hahaha

really

1:57amAlex

at least thats the word on the street.

1:58amMax

o is it?!

yikes

i need to check myself

1:58amAlex

no, i think you should go with it

its a good image

1:59amMax

yeah as long as it has cozy with it

*paper raincoat is a band… a very good band. a cozy, but badass band . 

And now… my friend Charlie’s response to all of that babble:

Charlie

it sounds flirty

but thats ok

2:06amMax

o well

its just the way i am

2:06amCharlie

its in a nice way

2:06amMax

i flirt with everyone alive

2:06amCharlie

look flirty is good

2:06amMax

even trees

2:06amCharlie

life to short for unflirty

2:06amMax

seriously

i agree

2:06amCharlie

flirting is delving into possibilities

2:07amMax

yes

without too much conviction to get hurt

2:07amCharlie

and if you dont do that you way as well be dead

right

flirty is not serious

its fun

2:07amMax

exactly

2:08amCharlie

its not like “lets make love on the banks of the nile”, it’s more like: “right now lets pretend that we may at some point make love on the banks of the nile but more than likey not”

Nightmare

,,,

Those subconscious thoughts, fears, and worries that manifest themselves in dreams at night. The ones that seem laughable when we open our eyes and realize that despite all the horror, viciousness, and torture,  it was ‘just a dream.’ But in life, (sometimes for good, those magical moments that seem dreamlike too!) there are moments that are too painful to believe they are real. Nightmares while we are awake. But sometimes, it’s a blessing in disguise to be awake while awoken from a string of days and weeks and months and time where I was just believing something to be. It might even be partially my fault for trusting so implicitly and trying not to dramatize and psychoanalyze, for once to just think things were as they seemed. Oh well. I shall dull my shock and hurt and try to be a robot, for this is what is called for here. Sensitivity causes Overwhelmed. So I’ll let this moment go, I’ll seek out my spirit and repair it, and I’ll hope that it’s all not for naught. Nightmares happen while we’re awake, so I can just hope that Dreams will happen while I keep my eyes open and…I put my faith in Sincerity. Once again. Grandpa please get better. 91 is not too old to live for. and Neither am I.

The Chills

I’m so scared of relationships that I’m scared of other people’s relationships as if they were mine. I worry about fights and I worry about getting jaded even if that’s not their issue in the least. Fighting is good because at least it’s a form of communication. I just hope it’s not fighting for no reasons. Plenty good reasons are necessary for fights, and even more than that- it’s imperative that something gets sorted through the bickering. But fights give me the chills and hateful glares and glances make me feel as cold inside as walking on with thin soles on really cold frigid cement sidewalks. In fact I bundle up the cold to protect me from the chilly wind, and I try the extra coffee to trick my brain against the early setting sun, and still I feel the cold night air way too early. But I’m too scared of growing thick enough skin. To me that’s a form of growing up. I like my naivety. I like my idealistic views on people. I just wish they were real enough to never grow up into something ugly. And too damn cold for me to handle.

Running Real

I woke up late and in a slump because it was cold and cloudy when it was supposed to be  Sun-day. So I let myself waste some moments until it became evident that the day would soon end if I didn’t grab it by the balls. I ran under the Bridge in that wonderful place where it turns into a stop-less paradise for runners for about a mile. And then I ran west and north until I got to the Reservoir. I swear I ran the shit out of that pond. Or Lake. Or whatever. I ran and ran and felt alive. I now understand why I hate running inside on a treadmill. Running through scenery in scents reminiscent of the autumns of my childhood cannot be replaced by a sweaty, supposedly temperature controlled, speed controlled, tiny little room. I ran myself into an adrenaline, and thrill; with wind pounding at me from all angles, and leaves dancing around me in swirls of color and energy. I felt alive. I feel alive.

Playing Cards

Isn’t it funny how people love sensitivity and find it endearing when they can reek benefit from it, and use it to make themselves feel complete? They feed off it until there is a distraction and they can move on. But the sincerity playing card they played is left on the table in front of me when they dash out the door and the draft of cold air freezes me and makes all my limbs numb from shock. I just don’t understand how it can be so easy to invest emotional energy and feeling and bonding and then liken it to a messy piece of looseleaf paper torn out of a binder and left on the side of the road to get trampled on. Is that what life and friendships are all about? A pathetic excuse for Playing it real for moments at a time, and then Sprinting on to something seemingly more important? I don’t envy your Loneliness when you see how wrong that Ideology is. And I only hope my edges don’t get blunted by your little game, just because I can’t keep up with the Poker Face.

Provoking Perspective

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in a current dilemma, pressure to finish assignments, and planning for the short term and long term future. My international business paper and my business plan for entrepreneurship class are haunting me everywhere at all hours. This feeling is not unfamiliar to me; I remember the same burdening consumption from high school and other points in college. I know, therefore, that these matters pass and end up making less than a difference, and they are certainly not worth losing sleep or good dreams over. The same goes for worrying about the fate of current friendships and relationships, and future ones. I guess what I’m saying is that I need to take a deep breath and live and not sit and worry about what is going to come of it all. There is so much going on in this world. Climbing mountains both figuratively and literally makes me realize that we are just a speck in the universe, given the gift of life and living. And nothing provokes perspective, making all this stress seem sillier than when a plane starts jumping around in the sky, and leaves me hanging on, and feeling so small. Like a speck upon the face of this earth and existence.

 

So I’m willing my small framed, big eyed embodiment of life to live each moment, and take it for what it is. For better or for worse. For stress or calm. For coming and going. For uncertainty and moving on. For now and tomorrow. And for accepting Change, even when it hurts. 

Visions of the Fall, and Rise, in Life.

I take great pleasure out of the sights and smells of this season. I wait all year for the colors of the leaves to change to all the vibrant shades of reds, ambers, and yellows. I love their beauty. I love the fleeting beauty of life… entering death.

Isn’t that odd? To think that all this stunning vision is really just a passage from green life to bare death? It’s rather snide to think that this is the reality. It’s rather cruel. The leaves fall quickly, and one night of sleep turns entire trees of leafy life to bare dry statues of twigs, leaving all the colors piling across the grass and fields to wither away within hours. But it would be wrong not to seize the moments and bask in the beauty while it lives. So I will follow Mum’s advice and stop creating outrageous deadlines for myself and stress about my future. I must live my life in the present. I must bask in the glory of my youth, my last semester of college, my journey to my first job, my journey back to faith in commitment. And let the chips fall as they may…with time…at the right time…just like all the colored leaves.