Unposed without Poise

I want to take a Roadtrip. I want to take a Flight. I’m up for practically anything to escape from my ‘real’ life. I recall when I was younger looking through those thick autumn catalogues full of perfect looking families in perfect looking clothes drinking perfect looking hot cocoa. That was the extent of me longing for any sort of “I do” and family life of my own. I never fantasized about diamonds and wedding gowns like most little girls. All I’d imagine about my perfect “settled down” world is that stable peaceful setting in the snow presented in those perfect looking photos. There is still a small part of me holding on to that nostalgic longing. Of Home. But we all know they were just posed. So I’m so unsure of how to grasp and handle the next bit of my life….so I’m wishing to escape it. Just for a little while. Or maybe even longer. 

When there is a will, nothing is just a Legend…

They were all right. There is nothing like seeing them skate at Nationals. The U.S. Figure Skating nationals of 2009 took place in Cleveland, Ohio this past week. It feels like only yesterday that Chloe’s dad was promising to take me along if they made it. Boy did they make it. My nerves were like jelly and my heart was beating out of my chest prior to the 6 minute warm up. My eyes repeatedly welled up with tears, and I was aware once again of how connected we are. She is my soul sister. The pride I felt during the long program was like being on ecstasy, tears keep welling up in my eyes, and shrieks escaping my mouth with a voice that sounded like it was not me. Because I was just so amazed and taken with the moment. They skated with such beauty, such a clean performance, and I was so proud. They pulled up a spot, and now there is so much more in the realm of possibility for them. I was there, I am here, and I will be there. They truly amaze me. She truly is part of me, and I of her. 

Living History, Watching it Live, and Witnessing Change

This day has already been amazing.

I loved Obama’s speech upon taking Oath. My statuses all day have been songs relating to Change.

ie: “We just got a revolution…well…we will Change the world…well…let’s talk ’bout the constitution…we’ll Free our minds & we know it’s gonna be alright.”

Call me corny. I’ll even admit to tearing up more than once on the machines at the gym while watching the inauguration coverage this morning.

At a Crossroads

I definitely have to stop drinking so much.

 Things I want to do: (written with anxious gusto in Starbucks waiting to be picked up to go to the airport, hung over from the wedding, and totally stressed about making a decision about the job…and about to see my old, old grand-folks)

• I want to go with Amber on the road right after my birthday. I would go be paper raincoat’s merch girl for a while, and travel to many states and just live.
• In May, I want to go to the folk festival and experience Texas ranch life and be amongst tripped out happy musicians.
• I want to go on that horseback-riding trip that Mr. James did in June to bring the cattle up the mountain for the summer. Then I’d get to see Wyoming and breathe some fresh air.
• I want to be working for Ryan McGinley and I want to end up traveling this summer with Veronica for that….And then an Epiphany came:
• “Maybe I should be a teacher because then I have the summers off. I would get to work with children that would keep me young, and I would never have the same day. I would have to be high energy every day, and I would have to be attentive to all children and pretend I don’t have favorites.”

 Well, timing really is essential. Even when life and fate deliver what we’ve thought we wanted and strived toward with all energy and inklings possible. Ha. So after I was that aggressive person tracking down the CEO, and working odd jobs there at night to keep the contact… his assistant with the same last name as me gave him two weeks notice. Tables Turn. I had turned to him, now he turned to me. And yet, timing made it impossible for me to accept what should have been a dream job. I need time during my days to pursue other interests. I cannot be confined to one task to do multiples and multiples of tasks for one entity. These are the golden years. The ones where so much experience and so many opportunities can be grabbed and had if my time and attention is not completely enslaved to fill just one purpose. It is strong not to let opportunities slip between fingers, but it is even stronger to let them go by if it’s not right in the macro level. I would like to see myself as brave considering the economic situation and the fact that it is Him and that Place which I turned down.

 

Here is how it went…

“Mr. Blank,

 I have spent the past couple of days considering the position that we discussed, and while I do think it would be an incredible opportunity and experience, I have decided that it is not the right time for me to accept the job. Timing really is everything, and perhaps even in a few months it would be the perfect job for me, but I do think that at this particular moment in my life, during my transition from college, I need to slow down and figure out what the correct direction is for me to focus all my energy. If I were to work full time as your assistant at (edited for this): ‘the’ Winery, I would and should be basically making the winery ‘my life.’ I am not quite ready for such an hour and multitude-of-tasks intensive stride forward. You need someone right now who will jump right in and give it their all, and I need a little time to breathe.

 

 I want to make it perfectly clear that I am honored that you considered me for this position. I also want to reiterate that I do think that I would accept it without blinking if timing were not an issue. I certainly hope to continue working together with you and ‘the’ Winery; to whatever degree proves to be possible. I believe in the venture, I appreciate everything and everyone involved, and I look forward to seeing it prosper.

 

 Have you found any other prospects? I have someone in mind that I think would be perfect, if you are interested in hearing about him.

 

 Good luck finding the right person for the job,

 

 Thank you again, and see you soon,

 

 Max…”

 

 

           

Reply (not five minutes later!)

           

“THanks, I might have found someone.   I appreciate your instinct that the timing is not right.  THis is another sign that you have the goods.  We will do things together, and I think your making a wise decision.

 Warmly,

 

 Mr. Blank”

 

Wow. And just like that I had a weight lifted off my shoulders

The Case of my own Curiosity

Truly beautifully shot movies can be paused at virtually any second of their duration, and look so picturesque that you’d hang it on your wall. This movie was like that- all two hours and forty five minutes of it. The lighting was breathtaking. As were the color, location, and angle choices. It’s a true work of art. But that’s just the physically artistic part of it. The story is a whole other artistic story. What a way to start the new year- with such a thought provoking, refreshing yet raw way to reevaluate life. It’s all about Time. Timing is everything. The way it Passes, the Pace it moves at, the way we interact with its Passing. This story opens up a secret door for a different perception of growing up. Or growing young. It merges the Oldest people barely still Living, to the Youngest babies barely Born yet. Everything else between those two stages is just the result of time passing. It can be the disintegration of Body and Spirit, or the rejuvenation of it.

And that’s really what is in our hands. I look at my Life as my one chance to live it how I want. To do the things I want. I fear routine, and becoming numb to noticing the possibilities all around me. It’s New Years day. I’m about to graduate college. The world is waiting. But time is not. Time is ticking. And I’m not about to waste it. I would hate myself when I’m so old that I’m barely still living, if my experiences added up to someone who has barely been born yet. People die before they’ve lived, even if the time they’ve spent alive is lengthy. I want to live each day and grow younger with my spirit- grow younger with bigger Curious eyes for more and more that I can accomplish and experience. That way, when time has ticked itself silly in my world, I can look back and see each moment of my life as picturesque, lived, and vivid, as the cinematography in this awesome movie.

A New Year

…life…