I’m really really awesome.

When it’s convenient; for just a while. Then it’s easier to just shelve me.

Growth

The Sky & I.

Even the most self aware cannot always be in control of their entire selves. All I want to do lately is flip the switch back to my normal state of mind and being, but I cannot. As it darkens all around me in this storm, there is powerful sound tumbling above me with such vigor, that I am convinced it is more substantial than just sound waves rippling in the sky. It feels like night. And sometimes even if it’s day, even if it’s life, we all need a good cry. Even the sky.

Moments

There are moments on every date when day and night is blurred into one. So however different they are for the rest of time, there are those glimpses of their similarities. 

Criminal Hearts @ Play

 

I’m all up for playing; It’s no fun when it’s all real. 

But when we play with our bodies, there are hearts within too. I am the queen of Hearts because I am aware of Mine. 

 

Lack of communication leading to miscommunication is a crime in my book. It leads to breaking one of the organs in the bodies which makes playing so much fun. If said organ was dismissed, not involved, and not played, the game would be boring. Which is why I decided to like you. So now I do. Not fast and furious creepy in love. But like. 

 

And even though you started this whole thing, If open communication and indulging crushes is a crime in your book…We would be fooling ourselves to think we’re playing our bodies and hearts in the same game, the crush would be crushing, and well…

we can’t be partners in crime. 

 

Don’t test my stamina. I will turn and close the door.

Don’t waste my energy. I cannot be that girl. 

Penny Lane & Lady Goodman

It turns out most of the time I am on a merry-go-round of considering people friends, changing my mind who is real and sincere, and who are just friendlettes. Every once in a while I get to stop the merry-go-round and get reacquainted with those that are still there in the standstill. Tonight was like that. Lady texted me to come meet her at the club right when I was finished at the winery; at six o one o clock. My first thought was that Adam Duritz must have showed up. My second thought was that my dresses might have overstayed their welcome in her office. Wrong. In reality, all Lady was doing was telling me to come there because somehow she knew I needed to talk. And listen. She often says we are similar and most of those times I brush it away as a cutesy remark, but the fact is  she reads me like a silly letter book without any trouble at all. She knows so much more about myself and my ride on my roller coaster than I’d ever be able to know as of yet. And she knows all this from a seemingly side-staged, partial view, perspective. She sees me getting taken advantage of. She knows my self image distortion. She understands my decision/commitment making complex. She effing knows the Music World. And she’s a Sister so she gets the whole tradition backdrop. I have no idea how I got this lucky to have someone so astute care so much for me, and want me to be ok. But I do know that I’m lucky to have her.

Where is my place?

 

What do you do when you love the lifestyle of musicians, love musicians, love music, and are not a musician? 

I don’t think I could handle tour managing for too long because of all the math involved.

I don’t think I could handle managing in general for too long because it’s too many details.

I don’t think I could work in a PR/Promotion for music company because I become socially retarded when I have to promote stuff I don’t LOVE. 

I think in theory I’d like music supervision, but it might end up to be too much desk work 

Why oh why can’t I just have no real life worries and go along to be pure energy. 

Little Leaps with/without Faith

It’s really hard to look at pictures of me from even a few months ago. It’s also really hard to swallow the fact that despite two years of working out hard core (daily!), just a few weeks of slacking can put me in an undesirable state of fitness.

This whole death thing has hit me more than I ever expected it to. First Ed, then Grandpa, and then Auntie Miriam. It makes me so much more aware of life and what I’m doing, or not doing, or thinking of doing, or thought of doing. I feel so pressured all of a sudden to get on with it and figure out what I’m ‘doing.” I mean at all the shivas, people kept asking me that ridiculous question, and I started to feel like an overheated tape recorder trying to come up with a decent sounding answer. 

So now I’ve spent a couple of days at Mum’s house, sifting through stuff in the attic, re-acquainting myself with various generations of myself from the past. I found my old Lisa Frank stationary/sticker collection. I found my first shoe. I found lots and lots of stuffed animals. I found a great deal of stuff I am ready to call garbage. 

But best of all I found some diaries. 

It’s funny how when I was younger I would start keeping a diary when someone bought me one, but the habit only lasted for a few days. If only I had known then how much pleasure I’d get out of reading my silly little thoughts…

So now I’m not sure what I want to do next. A big part of me is toying with the idea of purchasing an open ticket to Israel for YK and then figuring it out from there…maybe some traveling to and from Israel would work out nicely.