Winter Solace.

Snow has already fallen, made everything beautiful and white, and washed away. Now it’s becoming that brutal cold winter that I swore last year I’d not repeat in New York. Haha. Here I am again. And this time it looks like I’ll be here at least until I finish graduate school if all goes according to “the Plan.” It’s funny because La Chapelle commented on how I am so spontaneous and carefree in my social life and around my friends but deep inside me I fear and hate ‘ifs’ and ‘what ifs’ and not having the nails secure in plan a, b, and c’s surrounding each and every decision. How obnoxious of me! I found out now that BMCC might not let me take the two classes I need to at the same time. I have to go in early Monday morning and protest to some woman who might write out a permit paper and make my plan go back on track. T’would be nice, really. I mean why the fuck would they care if I’m not even getting a degree from them. All I need is to get into grad school, dammit! So my goal right now is to keep my eye on the prize, and to allow myself to focus on my short term priority (which is to get my ass back to NYC and make rent each month) while fulfilling whatever parts of my longer term goal as fast as possible. I’m meant not to be bothered about time because I’m lucky I have a goal at all. Easier said than done while watching friends and cousins getting raises and building nest eggs of money, but the point is I’m not that kind of person, and I need more excitement in my life than working 100 hour work weeks and not having a social life. Boo yah!

Some Cheer.

I woke up with puffy eyes yesterday and dragged myself (using tremendous effort) out of bed, numbly put on my gym clothes and drove to the gym. I would have never guessed that Zumba would go so well right then. Something clicked pretty soon after the class started and the energy just worked with mine. Maybe energy has to be so negative in order to respond to the grandeur of its opposite. I hope not but whatever it was, that was a great session. And then I found Mum’s high school cheer-leading coat in the closet…black with gold letters on the back and gold embroidered name in front. So Score! (And for a funny side note, when I was walking around later I reached into the pocket to warm my hand and there was a paper inside, so I pulled it out, and on the colored with age bit of paper was scribbled a guy’s name and phone number…life is great sometimes). With this new gift of having my optimism back I decided to head into the city to enroll in the second college in two days, hoping that by the time I get to register for classes they will have the ones I need to take. After a long wait and ordeal, I walked through Christmas tree lined streets and scents to the winery to see my peeps and drink a hot toddy. Positivity breeds more of it because then she texted saying we should have dinner. More warm chats accompanied with warm soup. And then we went to see Amber and Adam play at the Living Room. Amber was in a bit of a fragile state when we got there, and it was incredible to see her heal herself by singing. By the time her set was over she had a new power and energy. It’s always a treat to watch and listen to her. And I noticed last night that I tend to hold my breath a lot during her set, unintentionally. And then I stopped around the corner to see Rachel briefly. She is one of those people who it didn’t matter that it’s been a while. We just get each-other. I need her right now. I need Much more of people who get it. Like seriously though, how did this all happen? How have I managed to create this web of heart wrenching talent and wonder all around through and beyond me? ‘Others’ lives seem so terribly boring to me. With some talk to catch up, talk of the approaching holidays and all its possibility for new…Amber and I drifted off to Dreams.

The Doors.

Does everything come down to a fear of commitment in my life? Because the other day after spending way too long trying to enroll in community college and register for classes, it turns out they are offering the wrong ones, BC doesn’t have a program good for what I need, Seattle and Australia dreams are running away from me, and my plan is falling apart. And quite frankly the only way to describe what happened on Monday night, was a Panic Attack. Am I really writing off the next four years of my life without income and taking loans for a hopeful hunch that this is what I’d like to do? It takes the breath out of my chest, makes me freak out, and makes me cry. Which is what I did. Which is truly exhausting. I don’t know how to express everything anymore. Life as I’ve known it is coming to an end, I can’t help but resent normalcy that happens in most ‘other’ peoples lives, and it’s driving me slightly insane. And Mum pointed out that this all might feel like my life is crashing down because as it gets closer, it gets more real, and more frightening. All because I hate commitment. But she made a very good point. The doors that I feel like I’m closing by making a decision to do something end up getting sacrificed regardless, because as time passes, doors get left behind. The ones that aren’t opened might not be closed, but they are probably fading away in the distance as minutes tick by. So though this moment and the next bit of my future is frightening me out of my skin, deep down I know it’s probably right.

That Year, Though.

How does this happen? Something I used to be against completely; not understand, or think valid comes to slap me in my face. That party that I worked as a freshman comes to mind, and how far removed I was. But then again if we’re being honest, that year when we hung out about ten years ago now, it was the three of us before any innocence was taken from each of us. They are both married with children now, and here I am single, always have been. The other night when I was drinking red wine after making the step to go into the city and hear music even though I haven’t been able to face anyone lately. Enveloped in the warmth of the room and the faces of my friends, I was able to breathe again. When I saw you outside I ran to give you a hug and happily met the rest of the circle. You asked me to come to eat food instead of going to the after party, and it wasn’t even a split second decision. I removed the pom-pom hat I’d been fooling around in, returned it to its owner, and crossed the street. All those girls are probably skeptical. But I’ve learned not to take the cold-at-first manner personally. Often those people are the most real. If they aren’t feeling an emotion, they won’t play at it. I picked the cilantro out of your soup, because it’s totally the kind of thing that bums me out too. I don’t know what you see in me or why, but it makes me happy. Thank you for drinking tea, holding my hand, crossing the street, lending me your couch with stripes, spooning in the morning, and telling me your story. But most of all thank you for commenting on me being single. It has caused motors to start running in my thoughts, and I think I may be onto something. It would have all started back That Year.

Thanksgiving, Out of the Closet

I woke up out of my hazy wine and self pity induced sleep on Thanksgiving morning to rather wonderful scents wafting into my room. I walked into the kitchen and the subjects/owners of those smells were there as tangible proof to their existence. Mumsey was nowhere to be seen so I just walked around with my mouth wide open in awe. She made a stuffed turkey, pumpkin pie, brown rice lentil dish with onions on top, a big green salad, baked mashed sweet potatoes, & cranberry orange bread/muffin. To me this shock of such extensive cooking was like her coming out of the closet. I had no idea she had the ability to do that. I was overwhelmed with pride. 

Po and Co came, and Po made another (apple) pie. And we sat down and ate merrily together. I learned about baby carrots from Po. She said they were a way of using and selling really ugly nubbly carrots. They are put through a shaving machine and in some sort of solution (kinda ew, right?) to keep them pretty. Esther was dressed up really cutely in her Thanksgiving “head-dress” and fun printed dress. Po read her paper from school listing all the kids ‘native/traditional/american’ names. It was a combination of the animal they love and activity they love. Esther’s was “Flying Butterlfy.” So cute. Our meal didn’t last very long (obvi; kids and all) but it was lovely. And I didn’t over-stuff myself .

Vivid or Livid or Worried.

I have a very vivid memory of me sitting on the kitchen floor trying to smooth out the worry wrinkles in both my father and mother’s foreheads when I was very little. I distinctly remember how troubling it was that when I released my little fingers the worry lines were there right away…(not) Once again. Now I here I am trying to battle those similar lines. With no girl and no boy trying to straighten them out.

Solitude and too much time to Brood

La Chapelle probably knows me for the shortest amount of time, yet compared to those who have known me longer she has more insight. She tells me that I have tiptoed into this master plan, without thinking of its HUGE side effect. Social isolation is not something that most humans can survive, but certainly not ME. Sitting in a big room in a big house all alone all day with nothing to look forward to and not seeing any of the faces I adore is more than I can bear. For instance, highlights of this week included: two kind of ok zumba classes, Barrons and Kaplan math workbook work, and over twittering. This existence is less than bleak, and I don’t have any solutions in mind. Another big issue is that when I’m lonely I end up eating more. It’s almost like words from my past are coming to life. When I was on the other end of the table when my friends told me that food fills holes other than hunger. Now I’m the one using it for the wrong purpose, and I hate myself for it. My next post will be focused on being Thankful, because, after all, it is Thanksgiving Eve. But I’m going to burn lots of calories just trying to smile this year.

Zumba, zumba, yikes!

It happens to be that the second the plane hit the ground, there was an immediate reaction of superhuman speed unclicking buckles and jumping up to start the New York rush. The three girls sitting behind me burst out laughing, and I totally understand why. But I was admittedly part of those rushers, and I walked quickly toward the airtrain in close step behind a woman with a red coat and suitcase. We ended up on the same elevator where she made a joke about how fast we all get once we arrive in NY. She had been on my plane from Vegas, and we got to talking. Apparently she is a choreographer for shows on Broadway, etc. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! She was one of the original Zumba instructors, and also choreographed a lot of the videos for Zumba. Naturally I found this exceedingly cool because I just started grappling with it.

Impatience & Curves.

While it’s true that Life has a way of throwing unwanted curve balls sometimes, the pleasant curve balls come flying through sometimes as well. I spent one hard core week pouring over GRE math books. Working really hard and applying myself. I also have been spending quality time testing out gym classes to give myself a necessary alternative to jarring cardio machines that break body and mind. My impatience battled my spirit with both projects. But I’m equally determined to win over that flaw in both scenarios. 

Shahaf came to the states to play poker for a good month, and stopped in NY for a bit before heading to Vegas. He told me that if he does well he would fly me out to be his break because he tends to spend too much time in the hotel and not enjoy anything while there. I laughed and said I could totally drop what I’m doing and come over if that turned out to be the case. I didn’t really expect it though. 

But sure enough, most of the way through that intense GRE week, he FB chatted me one night saying I should purchase a ticket. It took me a good 24 hours to complete that task due to my disbelief, and slight guilt accepting. But he was serious and even got a bit pissed at my lingering, so I bought a ticket to Vegas on Thursday night for Sunday morning. I was going to Rosi for Shabbat dinner with Bess & Deb, and then lunch at Dov & Aura. I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to spend a weekend. And even better- when I got to D&A I found out that Lady would be there too! Much Red was drunk, (or dranken?) much conversation, gossip, and love spread around. And I was happy.

 

Matters of Life

It’s hard not to wonder what this all comes down to. Life is fleeting. People’s lives are taken in split seconds, and I have decided to devote three years of my life (starting from the fall, no less) to a program just to get a ‘career.’ But there has to be a balance of living each moment fully and making the most out of the bigger picture of Life in general. I loathe this realization, but I’m pretty sure I believe in it. So I’m sitting here studying math like it’s my job. The same trouble I always had with this subject is back to haunt me a million times over. Things that matter, matter. Which brings me to another realization as of late. My dreams, my nightmares, my fears, my desires. They are all based on things I cannot help. They are just intertwined into who I am. Perhaps parts of each are flaws, but one thing is for certain. When I love somebody I can’t help but love them even when they hurt me. And even though it may not be reciprocated most of the time, I have noticed that when someone I care for is In Times of Trouble, I can’t just Let it Be. Call it Lose, Lose. But I think it might be what Win, Win is. Going through life fully aware and in it. It Matters. 

Hit the & On the Spot

Thursday must have felt guilty about making me so cold and wet on Wednesday.

It was beautiful outside. So I decided I’d walk across the bridge and stop in the winery in search of a check.

I showed up and people were happy to see me, and then asked me to work. Like right then. On the spot. Oh the winery…So I said yes because I needed the money. It made me really giddy to be back there, even though I was dressed in sneakers and had to give Amber a raincheck for our Disney night in Brooklyn. It was so nice to see everyone. I finished my shift, drank some yummy red, and went home to the Slope. I’m not gonna lie, I really loved calling the Slope home even just for a few days.

Tea for Two

On Wednesday morning I took a train to get my stuff to Brooklyn into Kristin’s apartment. It was a yucky rainy day. I made plans to meet Adam for tea afterwards. I love just sitting with him and holding his hand while we talk. So we had a wonderful tea date and he told me about his marathon experience in Dublin. I’m proud of him for going through with it despite his hurt foot. He told me he tied Mia’s wedding ring into his shoelace and looked down for inspiration when he needed it. What a specialty. 

He was happy with my display which made me happy.

I walked back to Brooklyn afterward even though it was really wet and I was really wet. When I got back I made sure to get a bottle of wine and settled in and watched TV/wrote blogs/got cozy. It was just perfect.

Babycakes

So Adam was going to come home the next day and I decided to make him a display to welcome him back.

But first, that morning I went to the gym near NYU and totally zoned out everything and tried to get through the hour. Then I went on errands to try and find replacement artichoke dip and thai food. The thai food was easy. I went to Whole Foods and was so sure I’d be able to get the artichoke but I scampered around for quite a while and couldn’t find it. I started to panic slightly. I checked with two different employees and I was outa luck. I don’t know what made me decide to try Russ & Daughters, but I did, and there it was! Quite an expensive little jar of stuff too. So then I decided to try Babycakes once and for all. I walked in and was just looking at all the delectable looking pastries displayed. Then one of the girls who worked behind the counter said “hey can I ask you a weird question…were you at the gym earlier?” And I was. And she was. I remembered her. So we were instantly all friendly. 

I got three ‘lil guy’ donut thingys for Adam & I got a princess cupcake for me to eat right then and there. It was chocolate with mint cream on top. Seriously it was the best bakery good I have ever tasted. So fresh and clean. I ended up staying in Babycakes for quite a while talking to Eden (the girl) and Evan. It’s a really cozy friendly good smelling place. I don’t know how I took so long to try it, but I will be a regular as much as possible. 

 

Week. End.

I skipped the Saturday night Pete and J show and just went home.

Sunday  I got up and walked to the gym near the winery. While I was post showering, Gabe called and we decided to meet up for the incredible sunny fall weathered afternoon. I was a little nervous to see him because…well…you know.

It was seriously a brilliant afternoon. We walked and talked all along the East River. Philisophical, Religious, Family, Where I Am Going…we covered it all lightly and I called him my Constant (in LOST’s honor) to his face. I really wonder where we will go. Possibilities are either endless or short lived. Or maybe both?

Then I walked tipsily (we drank Octoberfest Beer on Avenue A) across the Williamsburg Bridge to meet amber to see her French friend sing in Spike Hill. I told Mum on the phone about my lovely afternoon and that if things were different I’d marry him. She told me that people don’t wait around. Wait…what? Was that an irk?

Turns out Amber’s friend was Marcel who friended me on facebook. And whose poster was at Banjo Jims. What a small funny world. Despite the language barrier I was in love with his set. He has the most beautiful, rich voice. Then Amber, Derek, Marcel, Ava, Nina, and their Mom had a quick bubble tea (#2) experience down the block. Then I raced home to do nothing alone.

Lost & Wine

So we did have our LOST party! Wine fountain and all.

For some reason I woke up on Saturday thinking it would be a good idea to walk across the Manhattan bridge to Kristin’s place in the pouring rain. All good. I got to philosophize about what had happened the night before and how we as a human race ruin things which could be so good by taking ‘it’ (whatever the subject is…environment, technology, love, sex…) too far. 

 I finally got to Kristin/Ing’s new apartment in Park Slope. I LOVE it. It’s got a perfect balance of rustic and modern with a long exposed brick wall throughout the place. They also have amazing taste for furniture. Erin showed up with the drink fountain as promised, and it lights up! Kristin had run out to get the DVD’s and we were having all sorts of trouble getting it to start. Kristin came home and babbled something about magical powers. And suddenly it worked. So funny and so bizarre. So we had a great LOST marathon throughout the entire rainy Saturday. It’s funny  how comfortable I feel around them. Here’s to besties hopeful.

 

You’re are Beautiful, But now you’re scaring me.

I came into the city on Friday and went straight to Adam’s place. It smells like heaven in there, and I’m determined to figure out what it is so that I can mimic the scent wherever I go. I went to see Greg & Ian play and they were both wonderful. Greg seems like an entire different act than when I saw him that time at the Living Room. And Ian’s set I was right up front so I was beaming the whole set unaware of the intensely crowded house. She had a whole plan to get all her friendlettes to the Living Room to see her North Carolinian friends play. So…I got there and saw Su and Sarah which made me really high and happy for a few minutes. But that crashed kinda low when I realized that when she had been hinting that they were hanging out that she meant a little more than that. So there I was…in a crowded house getting pushed around down below while  the four of them, and he with his hand around her- up above. I just felt Shitty. Yes, with a capital S. I tried so very hard to concentrate on the music. After all, that was the real reason we were all there. But the music was less than good, I couldn’t help being concerned about the happenings up there, and I was just about ready to leave when J caught my eye. I couldn’t stop the glare before it was 40 feet ahead of me, and I’m pretty sure that’s what drew him closer to talk to me.

Now he becomes you.

You were the one that admitted the crush all along. You were the one who made the first move. You were the one who was too scattered and messed up to deal with stuff. It was easier to just become irresponsibly above all the concrete even though you had defective angel wings. O, I get it that you’re dealing with newly singleness and all that. But seriously, you have the capacity to be real and deep and you choose to be scattered, loose, and even less than insincere. It crushes me more than any crush that was ever between us. It goes beyond the silly jealous girl factor. I honestly want to see you happy. You are NOT happy the way you are being. But I love you because I love what I see in you and I will hold your hand, listen, and be here steadfast anytime for all time.

 But for then, we stood against that crowded wall and talked about how you had been wanting to talk. And that you love me ‘as a person.’ Which. Don’t get me wrong…I believe. I just needed time to process what was going on. To let the whip lash that smacked me right across my face to stop stinging so I could breathe. So I turned and left the party. It was a good move.

Deed & Done

Last Tuesday (Oct 20) I finally got my hair dyed at Capri. I was there for so many hours and doing something apparently so unusual that all the stylists were emotionally involved in the process. Quite entertaining. But it was so lengthy a process that when I finally got to the city,  I went straight to the Canal Room to see Amber play (and a bit of April) and then rushed over to Mercury Lounge. But when I got to Mercury lounge nobody answered my texts and then Matt showed up. So I ended up hanging with him at Rockwood and drinking and then going home with him.

 

GLIM

DLO is a captivating photo-capturing Goddess.

It’s like that.

Oh, well I knew you shook the set-up baby, of all the leaves up in the ground
And I know our song is over and heavy as I see dry leaves fallin’ down, oh
With all this fever in my mind, I could drown in your kerosene eyes
Oh, you’re just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?

And as the early sign of dawn of thunder I see you stir the fog around
And when you find the boys and gears of sunset we’ll hear that high and lonesome sound, oh
And I will question every wind if they gone through the glow of your eyes
Oh, you’re just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

Oh, well I know you soak your feathers baby upon the ghosts along my trail
And I know well I was sole and buried before I knew it was for sale, oh
With all this fever in my mind I could aim for your kerosene eyes
Oh, you’re just a target in the sky
I say where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

Happy Jack embroidered this image/text onto my jeans in Austin. There was a song someone covered that tortured my heart most while I was down there too. But I had no recollection of how it went or anything so I had no way of tracking it down. I finally just happened upon it. It’s called “Where do my bluebird fly.” It’s like that.

How can I cry if I’m thirsty?

Shouldn’t a lack of supply refrain another part in the same body from using it? 

I really have no right to be full of self pity. I have been blessed never having to worry about funds for learning…until now. I have been afforded a great private education. But now I finally want to go back to school. I have been spending countless hours researching programs, speaking with the officials, figuring out what I need to do in order to get in and then become a registered dietician. But I didn’t realize how much I want it until today when I was speaking with Mum about G&G and the whole money thing. Nothing is for certain, and she kept saying all these weeks that if they won’t pay for it, we will figure out a way. But I’m DEATHLY scared of student loans. And I never thought that it would come to that. Or that she’d even hint to that. And today that happened and I had to leave her and run to my room so that the tears could flow.

I’m so thirsty for this part of my education that desperation let me cry. How odd is that? And how in the world will I explain to Mum that I cannot ever owe anyone money. Or anything else. There are many complicated layers to this fear, I’m sure. Lots having to do with The Father. Lots having to do with my independent ways.  It is my single greatest fear in this world; being in Debt.

It’s October 15th

and it’s SNOWING. WTF? I’m sorry I just can’t believe it.

Merrily we go Round.

It’s that lovely time of year again. My favorite, crispy, colorful season. I know that it’s in death that leaves lose their green majesty and turn into a colorful scarf of en route to death. But it’s so beautiful, and it’s part of a cycle. So I won’t feel guilty loving it to death. I just won’t. 

I’ve been doing all sorts of research to go back to school. I want to become a nutritional therapist ideally. It seems the way to do that is to go to  DPD program for dietetics and become an RD. Only then does obtaining a Masters seem to be a common next step. So here I am looking into applying and going back to school. I just know I need to do something financially stable, and I love food and I’m obsessed with exercise, and I love coaching people. Crossed fingers, toes? I think so.

Degrees of Education

Mum called me while I was in Austin to tell me that she was pretty sure my diploma had arrived. Mum doesn’t say she’s pretty sure about anything unless she’s more than positive. 

But while I was in Austin I learned a lot of life lessons from Julie. Not just from things she said, but witnessing her life and hearing her talkity talk my ear off at times. 

She fell in love when she was 28 or so. With a musician. A young, struggling, fun musician. So she ended up sacrificing everything she dreamed of then and came to dream of along the way to make her marriage to a selfish immature boy work. And then she got pregnant while she was already working to support him and her, and he wanted her to get an abortion. She wouldn’t because she was a married capable person, and she kept sacrificing more and more just to try. She was more loyal to anything imaginable than the people who should have been loyal to death for those things/people/animals. Loyalty is a blessing to those who receive from it, but it is a curse to those who have no choice but to be that loyal. Like me and her. 

So Will ended up leaving Julie, and though for a while she was able to hold it together despite the stress and depression and raising two young children…once she lost her job she turned to tequila. And I don’t know if control freak despite ability to hold it all together was always part of her character, but now control freak certainly seems her way. 

One thing Julie kept telling me was that if she hadn’t broken her one golden rule of personal space she would have never married Will and she would have never ended up in this kind of life. The golden rule was not to let anyone get in her space. For a while I thought she meant just in general having her space, but then one day she explained that she meant she planned never to live with a guy until they were married. Because that would give her the space not to let things just slide into occurrence.

36 hours in L.A.

Brandon picked me up at Long Beach airport after I survived my flight from Austin and dis-boarded the plane straight into the great breezy beautiful Californian outdoors. He introduced me to Maria Taylor on our bonding chatting way into L.A. Great Thai dinner prior to Rosi’s set at the Hotel Cafe. We walked and held hands and fell right into that imaginary happy place. Me in cowboy boots, He in his Hollywood finery. The Hotel Cafe is splendid. It’s speak-easy-esque with the dark seductive look and corners and long dark red curtains. Two people fainted during Rosi’s set causing quite a stir, but besides for that it was a happy lot of faces I recognized. Mark, the creator of One Tree Hill was there, and I was delighted that he remembered me from his party. He was there with a young looking girl writer. I also met Steve, an actor on the show (I think). The band that Ben had gone on tour with was there, or at least Shane was. So was a dude named Fitzgerald. Anyway I had a great time that night and I know I’d want to spend more time at that venue.

Then Brandon took me around the corner to his room-mates venue: Piano Bar. It was also a really cool spot. But then we decided to go home light up a hookah and drink a bottle of Jameson. So we did. We also got down and dirt in talking straight which was crucial in my book. So…we get a big fat Check. I now understand the thing with Her, and what She meant about all of Them, and how he feels about Him and Her. The next morning we went to a scrumptious French restaurant called Figaro in Los Altos (?) which reminded me of Beauty and the Beast. Really cool decor and vibe. We sat in big fat soft comfy sofa chairs and took our time eating and drinking and enjoying eachother’s company. Unfortunately he had to cut his time short because duties call when Family is the matter. But not before we came up with a brilliant plan concerning the keys. Involving Floss. Yes, the kind you use for your teeth.

Rumours.

Yup.

Feeling Fortunate

Mr. Adam L. chatted me  this:

“was out to dinner w/ Pete & J & Sarab last night. your name came up, and **EVERYBODY** smiled. I can’t even say the name “Max Turk” without breaking into a big grin.

how are you? and how’s Austin? and when will we see you here on the Atlantic shore?

xoxoxoxo”

 

 

 

Forces of V.

While I was in Austin I was fortunate enough that both Rosi and Ingrid’s tour came through to visit me. Ha. I can put it that way if I want to. I wouldn’t throw a tantrum if someone invited me on a bus tour. I’d smile and gladly accept. But anyway I was happy to see Rosi play two house concerts right at the start of our New Year. She was lovely and Jake is coming more and more out of his shell. I love his voice and I love the tunes of his I’ve heard. Go Jake the Snake! 

The night Ingrid came was just prior and after Yom Kippur. I spent the day prior with Greg looking for a tattoo shop to no avail but it was a nice walk and chat. Ingrid was a welcome brilliant sassy set and I had a great time. I met their merch girl Lauren who has a more northern melodic accent than Greg. What a fine bunch. It’s good that it’s called the Everybody tour because literally Everybody on that tour is Adorable. I adore them. And Vagforce minus Beth skipped out to Magnolia’s. After which I skipped happily home. Splendid last night in Austin.

Rosh Hashana 2009

It’s that time of year where beginning is about to start and evaluation of the last chapter is only responsible. I mean it’s a year in a life. Last year, this time, I sensed a prophetic feeling of death encroaching, forcing a new sort of maturity upon me. Ed, Grandpa, and Auntie Miriam have all left this world. Not to mention the celebrity deaths which raged rampant too. Beyond the sadness, difficult humps, and eventual (confessingly) cynical turmoil it threw me through, Death has taught me a lot about valuing life more. This past year instead of finishing classes in January and rushing into a corporate job, I took a part time gig at a music venue/winery to cater to my need to be free. Besides for getting to see incredible music shows, meet incredible people, I have been afforded the possibility to tour with Rosi, go to California and see the coast and shoot her video, not to mention the endless adventures in New York with my musicians. I’ve battled with feeling used come to realizations concerning my place in it all. At the end of the day, I have to be the one on my path, doing what fulfills me, or at least for the time being; searching for those things. But it’s pretty clear to me now that the music scene will always be a great part of me.

I have also been focusing a lot on letting go of my anxiety, letting loose, and overcoming my insecurities. It certainly isn’t easy. But Margaret and Kerrville have changed me. It has made me more aware of what should be my priorities, values, and let some pressure slide. Kerrville is kind of like a neverland where everyone lives freely and happily and does whatever they want. Living for the sake of life itself…if only for a few days (and weeks at Big Folk).

I am struggling a lot lately with Judaism. I don’t think I would ever be able to let go completely of my background. however, I have realized from the past few years that never say never is a crucial reality. Slopes are slippery. I’ve gone against everything I had been taught was wrong when I was young. Besides for Yom Kippur, and I severely hope that remains. I am just honestly confused. I have been introduced to so many people and so many ways of thinking, and what I have realized is that Life really is a journey. Living a life of tradition appeals to me on some level, but rigid rules, and in a lot of ways the whole idea of stamped in place organized religion does not. I wish it were clearer what God really wants from us. What if He juts gave us earth and life to pursue it. In this day and age we’ve come so far in learning, evolution, and history that in a way you would think we have an upper hand on Life, and the world’s secrets. But it just makes my questions more complicated because as teachings (especially Jewish) are supplemented and expanded via human minds, writing, and legislation, it’s obviously from just that; the evolution of humanity and thought. And it’s been so very long since the start of it all that nothing is fluid and clear cut anymore. And I wonder if it ever really was.

This year is the first time since Harova that I won’t be in Israel for Yom Kippur and Sukkot. It frightens me in a way, but in a way I’m thinking it was something I was clinging on to to keep my safe 18 year old self, thoughts, and perhaps even life conclusions near by. But it’s been a complete contradiction to the directions I’ve been going in the rest of the year(s).

Where I am at right now is (though admittedly almost pathetically low scaled and short sighted) just finding ME. Who I am, and the obstacle I know I want to overcome. I want to overcome my anxiety. I want to stop being so fast, judgmental, cynical, and jealous, and selfish. I want the light that people see in me to be pure so that I am not ever feeling two faced or even slightly insincere. I want to let go of my fear of dancing. I want to learn to dance. I want to continue seeking my sexual awareness and overcome the bruises buried deep in due to the events of my childhood as well as the teachings of my background concerning it.

I want to live and let live.

I want to maintain true and uncompromising ties to my family because I believe more than ever after this year how important they are.

I want to take a writing class.

I want to pick up the violin, piano, or guitar with genuine commitment.

I want to make enough money to get to Israel for Pesach, and I think I want to make sure I make it to Big Folk.

I want to read the Old and the New Testament thoroughly. And probably Psalms and the Books  of Solomon as well.

I want to keep writing Grandma’s story wit her.

I want to get seriously into Yoga.

I want to be on a path to health inside and out.

I want to figure out if Nutrition Therapy is the way to go for now.

I will consider moving to Austin for the winter.

These things are all short term, but I’m fairly confident that this is the way I need to approach the life path in front of me.

I can honestly say right now that I see life as a gift. I am gratefully accepting the gift and all its inner workings once again with the renewal of this year.

I choose Life. I carefully vow not to remain stagnant.

Energy Synergy and the Post-ergy

“Likemided people gravitating toward energy. Free Loving. There is another side of the coine to selflessness, and it’s being all about me myself and I. At least it’s still not two heads are better than one, because it’s one head with two sides. Or it’s called a dichotomy. A conundrum. I am a too very focused person wanting and trying desperately to slow down. That makes ADD so much more apparent.” (when I was back in Austin evaluating what I had just gone through and reacting to the slow wonderful pace of this lovely city).

9/15/09

Now I’ve come down from the crazy let loose high that I was on, and tried to incorporate myself into the aura. I finally understand what Rosi was talking about when she said I needed to get laid. But I think it’s not just about that. Dancing and sex; my two greatest points of insecurities have been being battled. And not just by my general attitude. I get the feeling here that everyone is here to help. Pickles and Lindsay, that night during the funk music, were so persistent in the friendliest way to get me to dance.  And two nights ago at Texas Blues in the Continental Club, Mudge was all about urging me to go dance with the older people who can lead. Tyler was also so sweet by telling me I’m a natural with rhythm. He in general has been one huge series of life lessons. He extended his stay, cancelled his flight. It all started with touches that stole my breath away in the tent in Kerrville, and finally we found our comfort levels intertwined back in Austin again and again.

Washing Day

I sat in B cup cafe while rain started falling early in the morning after she had left, and got into a FB msg volley with Adam L. He was up so I drank down my Coffee #1 and met him at a cute little espresso bar a few blocks down.  It was Lester Young’s 100th birthday so the radio was playing pefect Jazz music. The macchiatos came forward presented like true art. 

We spoke about my life and my youthful energetic aspirations for myself. We spoke about love and how he waited 40 years for it, and she was taken away so soon. We spoke about connecting to the spirit and how this world isn’t all there is. We spoke about soul-mates, and soul-sisters, and friends who make this world worth living in. I wiped away two and a half tears off his cheek, and we walked out into the rain under my umbrella. He asked me how I know so much at my age. I told him that age isn’t everything. He proved that by liking my idea of devoting one room in a house to bumper cars. 

And later he wrote to me saying I’m rad. He’s radical with a capital R, a beautiful soul with a capital B, and once again I was lucky enough to move on from being in someone’s presence feeling uplifted and blessed.

Troubled Waters.

After the bridge walk I rushed over to see Meredith. She was getting ready for the past few days for the Emmy’s in LA. Apparently she mixed up her moving out date in her mind. It suddenly arrived a month earlier than expected and she had one day to find an apartment, find movers to move her while she’s in California, and get her apartment packed up. On my way I ran into Sarah, bought a sunflower, and some hard cider. We got to talk about her feelings of like, our thoughts and defense mechanisms for love, and what juices are worth what squeezes. I wish I could have done more, but I hope I gave her some sanity through a sense of calm, and we slept in a storytelling bed for one last night. (or should I say one last series of short moments). 

There is night, and there is morning. And somewhere in between, crisis is sidestepped, it dissolves, and everything becomes OK.

Brooklyn Blurs…and Bridges over

Talk about a constelation of nights deserving to be stars. At the rate I’m going, I am so blessed that I presume my life’s constellation will take up most of the universe with all the brightness. 

Amber & I were supposed to see Edward Scissorhands in the park in Dumbo between the Manhattan & Brooklyn bridges on Thursday night. Alex joined us last minute for we time instead of me time. We got there only to realize that more than full capacity amounts of people had the same idea. Not surprising to such a gorgeous night. So we took in the wondrous sights of the water, the bridges and the lights. We waited with Berger taking photos until we were confident that his friend was OK stuck inside there without us. 

 

We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge which quickly turned into my favorite bridge (& I had just explored the Williamsburg and Manhattan bridges during the few days prior!) It was like a majestic suspension of colossal doorways surrounded by rope-like frames which reminded me of walking between larger than life harps. Twas absolutely lovely & I was thinking to myself about how life can’t get much better. 

Alex told me some sweet words which probably let lots of air into my head. But it’s always nice to hear that I’m wise for my age and that I have a good spirit and that I’m a light. And that I’m self aware. Cuz I am certainly working at it.

Mistextacation

On Thursday I woke up early and found gchats from J concerning his sting messing him up. I had fallen asleep before ten the night before, so I decided midday to text him so I wasn’t playing a no answering game. I wrote “Hey darlin just got your msg this morning (I was asleep by 930 last night) i’m so sorry that stings a mess.” Ten minutes later I got a text from Pete saying “I thiiiiiink you  meant to send that to J ” Wow. I amaze myself sometimes. I told him so and apologized. We joked back and forth for a bit and he then told me that he thinks little Mer is wonderful. I thought “Scoooore” in my happy head. Then I sent J what I had sent to Pete and told him so. He found this funny too, and said it still hurts but thanked me for taking care of him. 

When I relayed this story to various folks at the winery they called it a Freudian slip. Noooooooo.

In other news, on that day Stephanie’s son Brice came in to help and he decided to interview everyone working here. For an 8 year old he is adorably insightful, and he told me he thinks my favorite part of my job here is greeting people because then I get to recognize some and become friends with them. He also told me that he knows a lot about the financial crisis even though he’s just a kid because his father works for JP Morgan. Wow. Cute.

Friends Love Friends

But the goodness didn’t stop there. 

Monday I saw La Chapelle and she suggested I take a writing class. I got lost with my bike on my way home and got to explore some cool streets I had never known about. That night Mum Rivka and I had a scrumptious sushi dinner. The next day Rivka made Aliyah. I was planning on going into the city to meet up with Mer and catch up. However she was running late with her dress appointments for the Emmys, and I was not sure I’d make it in to the city. But then she said she’d be able to meet me at Banjo Jim’s and Pete and J were playing with Chris and Rich. So I decided to go into the city after all. By the time I got down there I was a sweaty mess and I needed a minute to cool down and warm-up. Pete and Mer immediately hit it off. The music was fabulous. Chris can play the upright bass for many moments all alone and it feels like an entire show. Well, it is. And Rich. I had no idea he was such a ridiculous guitar player. I had known him as a guest Pedal Steel player. Little did I know that’s a new stint of his. He is an incredible guitar player. When he plays he doesn’t make it look easy- he looks like a mad professor who is kind of possessed. Incredible to watch. I drank beer, and felt a little awkward because I didn’t expect to stay out late and fling myself onto J. Time kept passing via conversation with Adam, Adam L, Sarab’s mom, Morrisey’s brother, and eventually I had to ask J what he thought we should do. We all ended up going back to Mer’s roof where J got stung by a bee. At like three in the morning, no less! WTF. I was exhausted because I hadn’t slept the night before since Rivka and I had smoked our way through her last night home. So J and I decided to leave the new blossoming duo and we went back to his place and crashed fast. I had to leave really early and tired. I decided to introduce myself and my feet to the Manhattan bridge, and though it was quite confusing to get to it; the crossing guards and NYPD didn’t really know the way; I made it and it felt good. 

I slept at home that night after work. It felt just right.

Happy, Hot, & Heavy, Oh My!

I have so much to catch up on!

The night after Good Mystery I was going to go see Hans & Sven at Rockwood until I realized that what Dlo was trying to send through Rosi was an invitation to the dinner party which Adam, Amber, and Alex were all going to. It was HER dinner party. So after work & a nap in the greenroom at the winery, I made my way to the loft in Soho. I purchased beer and then ran into Jenny O on the street. I was tipsy and flustered and at that moment I realized I probably have a girl-crush on her. Great. So we got some beer for her bringing together and went up together. Allie, Billy, Kristen (Ing’s Kristen), and a bunch of other people were already there. Rick Barry is someone I follow on Twitter but met in flesh and blood there. (Always fun when virtual acquaintances materialize). Amber and Adam L and Alex and the other Adam all showed up. As did Rosi and Jeremy. I was suddenly surrounded by quite a clan of talented people. Dlo is one of the most extraordinary cooks I have ever met. She made three different Tacos! My favorite was the Mole, which was kind of spicy. Yum. In between each round of Taco, there were rounds of tunes by all the talented folk. Awestruck was I, obvi. Dlo shares my admiration and blessed feeling for knowing all these musicians. She nicknamed me weeMax that night. 

Adam was planning on heading over to Rockwood when the night started winding down, and while blaming it on the bottles of beer I had consumed, I decided to share a cab with him to go say hi to J. We hung out for a bit at Marshal Stats, and then I ended up in a cab with him back to his place. We had a lovely evening and lots of open conversation. I became under the impression that we were on the same page about the kinda feelings, but not really ready for anything committed. I am also fully aware that he’s just out of a relationship & grabbing his independence as a traveling musician seriously. I am also aware of my ability to get jealous very easily from other girls even if I’m not “head over heels for him.” Such is tricky life. But we both knew it would happen eventually. Over-thinking & lots of buildup makes things hot and heavy. So I fell asleep contently feeling oh so light. 

The morning came with kisses, a mix CD (long overdue), and the light feeling extending right up to and through Jeremy’s going away rooftop (which switched to the loft from the rain) party. More amazing mexican food and beer. More great people. Dave and I had a great talk about me doing what I want to do. I had some great conversation with an adorable young mom. I spoke to Ari about Ireland. I also had lots of fun chats with some of the Australian friends and smokers on the roof. 

 

 

Yep that weekend wrapped like a perfect gift of Time.

A Good Mystery

Yesterday was a perfect day. I woke up early like a little girl too excited for what the day would bring to sleep a decent amount of hours. I came to the city and walked from Port Authority to Williamsburg to Angelhouse. My mission was to help Amber out and catch up. The sweltering sweaty humidity didn’t even slow me down; and with my bitter attitude lately that was saying a lot. Angel house was covered in wooden boxes for Amber’s “Good Mystery” CD project. AKA Arts & Crafts. There was recording going on so we worked and chatted intermitently. It’s amazing how she thinks of all the details to go into her project to case the CDs. I crazy glued, I stamped, and (to me the coolest part) I waxed and sealed loads of packages. We got to catch up, and I came to quite a few realizations over the course of the day. A number of things went… shall we say… not wrong, but not so smoothly. And even still by the time show-time hit, I was no less than happy as a ham.

• I kept burning my fingers and messing up with the wax bit.
• The train got stuck in the tube (meaning I had to take a different train all the way into Queens to transfer my way back to the city).
• The downpour.
• The heavy state of the 500 CDs in that crummy weather, and having to hail a cab with my eyebrows.
• I fell TWICE on the same step skinning my knee during soundcheck. 
• We were putting the boxes together last minute right up until the openers started their set.

The way I’ve been lately (namely this summer), even just one of these things would have pushed me over the edge of keeping it cool. But there’s something about Amber. There’s something about her sincerity that makes me happy to toil with her. It was like we were two mad little girls in a frenzy getting it done. And it was wonderful.

When Amber’s set started, I was immediately thrown into a warm cozy realm of good feeling. I kept seeing people I missed. So many smiles. So many hugs. So many glances. And then the music began, and it was like someone took my heart out of wherever it was hiding down in my stomach for quite a number of weeks, and cradled it with lullabies. I was SO peacefully happy. And proud. 

The way people received her last night, reminded me of the way I have seen her received in other places. New Hampshire, California, etc. But I had never realized that New York can be that audience. It was like a captivating magnetic field with calming electrical currents keeping the focus so dead-set on her every note. Amber has improved so much since I’ve met her. She works so hard, she truly loves what she is doing, she is humble, and she possesses an emotional sensibility which ties her to her audiences and fans in a way I have never witnessed before. It is awe some. Literally. Overwhelming. I wasn’t the only one who got emotional and teared up. The aura in the room the entire time was one of repect and admiration. 

Turns out the show was sold out! There was an Oboe Trio who had opened, and joined Amber for a song. It was amazing. Their sound reminds me of being at a ballet (though I haven’t ever been to one!) and Austin and I were mock ballet dancing behind the curtain backstage. Ha. During the main set, there was a precious moment where I heard a little voice saying “Auntie Amber! Auntie Amber!” And I turned to see Amber’s brother carrying little Jade, who was holding a bundle of flowers. Wow. 

I used to love repeating what one of the reviews said about Amber “that you will leave with a crush on her.” But after last night, I almost feel like she has outgrown that word. It is something so much deeper than a crush. It is a kindred spell. A breath of life. And truly spectacular. 

Alternatively, maybe whatever it is “that thing” shouldn’t even be expressed. Maybe it can’t really be expressed. It might just be a Mystery. Oh, but boy, is it a good one.

Un-Lost In Austin

I have booked a one way ticket to Austin, Texas for the second of September. I am going to get a ride with Margaret’s friends to Kerrville for the mini folk/wine festival. I will be volunteering on a Lovin’ Oven team to bake pizza for the hungry hippies. I AM ECSTATIC. The reason for the one way part of the itinerary is that I hope to make this a free passing adventure, with no specific plans; just being open to see where the road/people I meet take me. This has given me a rush, and jaded or not, with these plans intact, while I walked through the Lower East Side and over the Williamsburg Bridge yesterday morning, I was finally re-struck with my love for NYC. Phew. Now I can go in peace and know I will be back again. Whenever it seems right.

Tragic

They were talking tonight about how tragedy is what caused them to make a move and make a difference in their humdrum lives. I am lucky right now because though tragedy has burned the edges of the page of my life, it has not yet touched me directly in the verse. I am lucky because I am making a move prior to actual destruction.

Scrambled Letters.

There are days for expression. There are scraps of notebook paper, bits of airline bags, and barmaid’s napkins and pens to use for expression. 

And there are days where expression is not necessary, or even feasible.

Silence doesn’t even have to be accounted for or justified. Sounds and conversation can come up when natural. My brother has landed. He’s no longer struggling in the air with my thoughts of possibility not to be grounded safely. But in a sense, he’s gone. He’s out of my grasp and I already miss him. 

But I cam back here, to this lovely oasis of paradise, and I saw both pairs of eyes. And now I can try and plan my next step. Sometimes void of expression, sometimes with….the future shall be defined with the utmost definition.

High Hooks in Hook

We went down to visit The Grandparents in Boca and stayed in the condo. I got the best of both words, having a couple of days with the sibs, and a couple of days with the cousins. It’s hard seeing The Grandparents wither away into old, old, old. But at least we still have them.

We used some ganjah one night and watched Hook. Blame it on the G”J but I ended up with all these insights concerning Peter Pan and Hook, and scrabbled them down on The Gandparents remaining stationary.

Here goes…

• Peter Pan worked so hard to find his happy thought to fly and it ended up being his kids. This is ironic since if he hadn’t left Neverland kids would never in a million years have been the source of the flying power.
• the kid who started the fight seems menicing and ‘the bad guy’ but he was the one who knew Peter Pan’s one everlasting ’soft’ spot to get him revved up enough to imagine again. This soft spot was to get him fired up and fight.
• Hook’s kind of happiness that Pan was back was as if their universe and world would perish if there was a lack of the friction between good and evil. This is very interesting. Maybe this is what keeps the world moving on and on. A struggle between good and bad.
• The guy who gives in to Peter Pan’s return (that same menicing ‘bad guy’) is in a sense getting fucked over. He is willing to become the strong one when Pan leaves, but when Pan returns he’s willing to step aside. He ends up getting stabbed and “dies” (whatever that means in Neverland). This kind of shows that only the strong survive. You can’t be too much of a pushover.
• Peter Pan says “what do you want old man.” Hook replies “I want you.” This to me means that the essence of what older people want is their youth.
• Hook says “you took my hand, you owe me something” when Pan is turning victorious and taking his dignity. I find that interesting because it’s symbolic of youth resenting elders, but at the same time without the elder’s “hand” they’d never be there growing to begin with. It’s almost like a plea from Hook.
• And of course…”Death is the only adventure” is Hook’s attitude toward what’s going on. It is in a sense what we all feel.