Thursday must have felt guilty about making me so cold and wet on Wednesday.

It was beautiful outside. So I decided I’d walk across the bridge and stop in the winery in search of a check.

I showed up and people were happy to see me, and then asked me to work. Like right then. On the spot. Oh the winery…So I said yes because I needed the money. It made me really giddy to be back there, even though I was dressed in sneakers and had to give Amber a raincheck for our Disney night in Brooklyn. It was so nice to see everyone. I finished my shift, drank some yummy red, and went home to the Slope. I’m not gonna lie, I really loved calling the Slope home even just for a few days.

On Wednesday morning I took a train to get my stuff to Brooklyn into Kristin’s apartment. It was a yucky rainy day. I made plans to meet Adam for tea afterwards. I love just sitting with him and holding his hand while we talk. So we had a wonderful tea date and he told me about his marathon experience in Dublin. I’m proud of him for going through with it despite his hurt foot. He told me he tied Mia’s wedding ring into his shoelace and looked down for inspiration when he needed it. What a specialty. 

He was happy with my display which made me happy.

I walked back to Brooklyn afterward even though it was really wet and I was really wet. When I got back I made sure to get a bottle of wine and settled in and watched TV/wrote blogs/got cozy. It was just perfect.

So Adam was going to come home the next day and I decided to make him a display to welcome him back.

But first, that morning I went to the gym near NYU and totally zoned out everything and tried to get through the hour. Then I went on errands to try and find replacement artichoke dip and thai food. The thai food was easy. I went to Whole Foods and was so sure I’d be able to get the artichoke but I scampered around for quite a while and couldn’t find it. I started to panic slightly. I checked with two different employees and I was outa luck. I don’t know what made me decide to try Russ & Daughters, but I did, and there it was! Quite an expensive little jar of stuff too. So then I decided to try Babycakes once and for all. I walked in and was just looking at all the delectable looking pastries displayed. Then one of the girls who worked behind the counter said “hey can I ask you a weird question…were you at the gym earlier?” And I was. And she was. I remembered her. So we were instantly all friendly. 

I got three ‘lil guy’ donut thingys for Adam & I got a princess cupcake for me to eat right then and there. It was chocolate with mint cream on top. Seriously it was the best bakery good I have ever tasted. So fresh and clean. I ended up staying in Babycakes for quite a while talking to Eden (the girl) and Evan. It’s a really cozy friendly good smelling place. I don’t know how I took so long to try it, but I will be a regular as much as possible. 

I met Kristin on Monday morning at a nail place to get her keys. I chatted with her for a little while. Love her. Then I went to the gym near Union Square. It was Adam’s birthday so I was thinking it would be cool to hang out with him at some point. I ventured into Barnes and Noble to look at GRE books right around the time we were going to meet. It frightened me to death how many options there were…despite the magnanamous efforts and success Kristin had with her and her friends giving me tips. There is just SO MUCH. And SO MUCH I just need to relearn. Especially in math. So Adam came over there, and I walked with him down to Rockwood. I bought him a vegan birthday cupcake along the way. I found out about a little pumpkin carving party Matt was having later with Sarah, Kendal and Chocky and I couldn’t help but blurt out a self invite right then and there. So it was on.

I skipped the Saturday night Pete and J show and just went home.

Sunday  I got up and walked to the gym near the winery. While I was post showering, Gabe called and we decided to meet up for the incredible sunny fall weathered afternoon. I was a little nervous to see him because…well…you know.

It was seriously a brilliant afternoon. We walked and talked all along the East River. Philisophical, Religious, Family, Where I Am Going…we covered it all lightly and I called him my Constant (in LOST’s honor) to his face. I really wonder where we will go. Possibilities are either endless or short lived. Or maybe both?

Then I walked tipsily (we drank Octoberfest Beer on Avenue A) across the Williamsburg Bridge to meet amber to see her French friend sing in Spike Hill. I told Mum on the phone about my lovely afternoon and that if things were different I’d marry him. She told me that people don’t wait around. Wait…what? Was that an irk?

Turns out Amber’s friend was Marcel who friended me on facebook. And whose poster was at Banjo Jims. What a small funny world. Despite the language barrier I was in love with his set. He has the most beautiful, rich voice. Then Amber, Derek, Marcel, Ava, Nina, and their Mom had a quick bubble tea (#2) experience down the block. Then I raced home to do nothing alone.

So we did have our LOST party! Wine fountain and all.

For some reason I woke up on Saturday thinking it would be a good idea to walk across the Manhattan bridge to Kristin’s place in the pouring rain. All good. I got to philosophize about what had happened the night before and how we as a human race ruin things which could be so good by taking ‘it’ (whatever the subject is…environment, technology, love, sex…) too far. 

 I finally got to Kristin/Ing’s new apartment in Park Slope. I LOVE it. It’s got a perfect balance of rustic and modern with a long exposed brick wall throughout the place. They also have amazing taste for furniture. Erin showed up with the drink fountain as promised, and it lights up! Kristin had run out to get the DVD’s and we were having all sorts of trouble getting it to start. Kristin came home and babbled something about magical powers. And suddenly it worked. So funny and so bizarre. So we had a great LOST marathon throughout the entire rainy Saturday. It’s funny  how comfortable I feel around them. Here’s to besties hopeful.

I came into the city on Friday and went straight to Adam’s place. It smells like heaven in there, and I’m determined to figure out what it is so that I can mimic the scent wherever I go. I went to see Greg & Ian play and they were both wonderful. Greg seems like an entire different act than when I saw him that time at the Living Room. And Ian’s set I was right up front so I was beaming the whole set unaware of the intensely crowded house. She had a whole plan to get all her friendlettes to the Living Room to see her North Carolinian friends play. So…I got there and saw Su and Sarah which made me really high and happy for a few minutes. But that crashed kinda low when I realized that when she had been hinting that they were hanging out that she meant a little more than that. So there I was…in a crowded house getting pushed around down below while  the four of them, and he with his hand around her- up above. I just felt Shitty. Yes, with a capital S. I tried so very hard to concentrate on the music. After all, that was the real reason we were all there. But the music was less than good, I couldn’t help being concerned about the happenings up there, and I was just about ready to leave when J caught my eye. I couldn’t stop the glare before it was 40 feet ahead of me, and I’m pretty sure that’s what drew him closer to talk to me.

Now he becomes you.

You were the one that admitted the crush all along. You were the one who made the first move. You were the one who was too scattered and messed up to deal with stuff. It was easier to just become irresponsibly above all the concrete even though you had defective angel wings. O, I get it that you’re dealing with newly singleness and all that. But seriously, you have the capacity to be real and deep and you choose to be scattered, loose, and even less than insincere. It crushes me more than any crush that was ever between us. It goes beyond the silly jealous girl factor. I honestly want to see you happy. You are NOT happy the way you are being. But I love you because I love what I see in you and I will hold your hand, listen, and be here steadfast anytime for all time.

 But for then, we stood against that crowded wall and talked about how you had been wanting to talk. And that you love me ‘as a person.’ Which. Don’t get me wrong…I believe. I just needed time to process what was going on. To let the whip lash that smacked me right across my face to stop stinging so I could breathe. So I turned and left the party. It was a good move.

Thursday I woke up freaking out about how messy and disastrous Mer’s apartment was. So I went into a frenzy starting to organize everything. She called three hours later when I was already thigh deep in clothing and in between boxes…saying she’d be back soon. Two hours later she called with some frantic story. So we had brunch and she was telling me how lofty in love she is. I was happy for her. I tried to explain what I was doing the whole morning and early afternoon because it means so much to me to make my friends feel better about living. I wanted her to feel stable and help her get to one part of that by creating a safe home. So we went back and worked for many  more hours and I felt like a personal organizer/therapist/really good friend. It made my day to see her ‘get it’ and work with me. I wanted to leave early to see the boys play at the living room. I texted J to see if I’d be ok cuz it was supposed to be a badge only event. He told me that Mer had a +3 so I should just use that. That irked me a bit but I tried to keep a rational and realize that he just meant we’d be ok with  numbers. Matthew and his friend Oggy sat with me and I was all happy/teary eyed again. It was especially meaningful to see them play there because that’s where it all started.

I went home that night. Mum was also just arriving home from Aunty Celia’s funeral. I literally went to the gym and left back to the city the next day.

Let’s just say I woke up with a stiff hangover. It was so bad that I briefly convinced myself that I was allergic to alcohol. So I met up with Adam L. at Sugar bright & early and drank coffee with him. He gave me keys to his place and then I walked him to physical therapy. I was starvin marvin by that point even though it was barely lunch-time so I walked myself over to Caravan of Dreams which was a cozy darkish place to nurse my drunk wounds. I ate a slow meal and made friends with the server. Small world, NYC. By the time I was feeling a bit better, Meredith had texted me wanting to meet up. So we met at B Cup for a little lovely slice of time and chatted. She needed a nap, and we decided we’d meet up later.

It was a nice day and Greg was also wandering so I met him in Union Square and we did some shopping. It’s fun to shop with guys even though I don’t know much about mens clothing. So much less drama than girl shopping. He decided he’d come with me to see the Boys at Rockwood. We stopped at The Bean for coffee. Phil showed up and even though it took me a minute to realize it was him and go say hi, I told him about the show and he said if his audition finished in time he’d come too. 

The boys made me so happy playing at Rockwood, that I literally teared up. They’ve just come so far. I’m a proud Mama. Greg had a CMJ BMI thing at Crash Mansion so we hung out at (more) coffee and Phil texted wanting to meet up with us to hear his Brit-ness.So we had fun little party in the coffee shop until it was time to walk Greg to his thingy. (I’m going to take this opportunity to say that I love having him live here). The Boys and Mer had gone out because Pete’s parents were in town, So I went and hung out with Amber. She introduced me to Bubble Tea, which was tremendously exciting. And then I went to Bowery Electric to re-meet up with the Boys and Mer. The Madison Square Gardners were playing and I was pleasantly over-surprised to have a kick-ass time. They are SO fun. And it felt like a fairy tale moment. Me, Pete, J, and Mer all hanging out. Brianna was also there which was fun. Mer handed me her keys and left with Pete, which warmed my entire insides because I was so happy to see them ‘like that.’

Last Tuesday (Oct 20) I finally got my hair dyed at Capri. I was there for so many hours and doing something apparently so unusual that all the stylists were emotionally involved in the process. Quite entertaining. But it was so lengthy a process that when I finally got to the city,  I went straight to the Canal Room to see Amber play (and a bit of April) and then rushed over to Mercury Lounge. But when I got to Mercury lounge nobody answered my texts and then Matt showed up. So I ended up hanging with him at Rockwood and drinking and then going home with him.

DLO is a captivating photo-capturing Goddess.

Oh, well I knew you shook the set-up baby, of all the leaves up in the ground
And I know our song is over and heavy as I see dry leaves fallin’ down, oh
With all this fever in my mind, I could drown in your kerosene eyes
Oh, you’re just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?

And as the early sign of dawn of thunder I see you stir the fog around
And when you find the boys and gears of sunset we’ll hear that high and lonesome sound, oh
And I will question every wind if they gone through the glow of your eyes
Oh, you’re just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

Oh, well I know you soak your feathers baby upon the ghosts along my trail
And I know well I was sole and buried before I knew it was for sale, oh
With all this fever in my mind I could aim for your kerosene eyes
Oh, you’re just a target in the sky
I say where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

Happy Jack embroidered this image/text onto my jeans in Austin. There was a song someone covered that tortured my heart most while I was down there too. But I had no recollection of how it went or anything so I had no way of tracking it down. I finally just happened upon it. It’s called “Where do my bluebird fly.” It’s like that.

Shouldn’t a lack of supply refrain another part in the same body from using it? 

I really have no right to be full of self pity. I have been blessed never having to worry about funds for learning…until now. I have been afforded a great private education. But now I finally want to go back to school. I have been spending countless hours researching programs, speaking with the officials, figuring out what I need to do in order to get in and then become a registered dietician. But I didn’t realize how much I want it until today when I was speaking with Mum about G&G and the whole money thing. Nothing is for certain, and she kept saying all these weeks that if they won’t pay for it, we will figure out a way. But I’m DEATHLY scared of student loans. And I never thought that it would come to that. Or that she’d even hint to that. And today that happened and I had to leave her and run to my room so that the tears could flow.

I’m so thirsty for this part of my education that desperation let me cry. How odd is that? And how in the world will I explain to Mum that I cannot ever owe anyone money. Or anything else. There are many complicated layers to this fear, I’m sure. Lots having to do with The Father. Lots having to do with my independent ways.  It is my single greatest fear in this world; being in Debt.

and it’s SNOWING. WTF? I’m sorry I just can’t believe it.

falling 

into waves of sound

while the leaves get dressed for their great grand

fall

wrapped in cloaks and scarves of fleeting color

green no longer rules the majestic landscapes of rich

auburns, marigolds, and burnt oranges

kaleidoscopes of gliding, colliding 

scraps of whispering souls

gently hither and drifting 

hushed and engulfing 

the great grand earth

but voices notes and ideologies join force with burning empowerment, and wrapping themselves up around

little great grand me, 

only just

fallen. 

I’ve decided that music completely trashes sexual orientation stability. 

I also have decided that that’s a good thing. Why do we have to associate with just one label? We don’t. 

I will have my girl crushes on certain female singers proudly.

Without thinking I need to change any labels. 

I can have ‘em all. 

It’s that lovely time of year again. My favorite, crispy, colorful season. I know that it’s in death that leaves lose their green majesty and turn into a colorful scarf of en route to death. But it’s so beautiful, and it’s part of a cycle. So I won’t feel guilty loving it to death. I just won’t. 

I’ve been doing all sorts of research to go back to school. I want to become a nutritional therapist ideally. It seems the way to do that is to go to  DPD program for dietetics and become an RD. Only then does obtaining a Masters seem to be a common next step. So here I am looking into applying and going back to school. I just know I need to do something financially stable, and I love food and I’m obsessed with exercise, and I love coaching people. Crossed fingers, toes? I think so.

Mum called me while I was in Austin to tell me that she was pretty sure my diploma had arrived. Mum doesn’t say she’s pretty sure about anything unless she’s more than positive. 

But while I was in Austin I learned a lot of life lessons from Julie. Not just from things she said, but witnessing her life and hearing her talkity talk my ear off at times. 

She fell in love when she was 28 or so. With a musician. A young, struggling, fun musician. So she ended up sacrificing everything she dreamed of then and came to dream of along the way to make her marriage to a selfish immature boy work. And then she got pregnant while she was already working to support him and her, and he wanted her to get an abortion. She wouldn’t because she was a married capable person, and she kept sacrificing more and more just to try. She was more loyal to anything imaginable than the people who should have been loyal to death for those things/people/animals. Loyalty is a blessing to those who receive from it, but it is a curse to those who have no choice but to be that loyal. Like me and her. 

So Will ended up leaving Julie, and though for a while she was able to hold it together despite the stress and depression and raising two young children…once she lost her job she turned to tequila. And I don’t know if control freak despite ability to hold it all together was always part of her character, but now control freak certainly seems her way. 

One thing Julie kept telling me was that if she hadn’t broken her one golden rule of personal space she would have never married Will and she would have never ended up in this kind of life. The golden rule was not to let anyone get in her space. For a while I thought she meant just in general having her space, but then one day she explained that she meant she planned never to live with a guy until they were married. Because that would give her the space not to let things just slide into occurrence.

Brandon picked me up at Long Beach airport after I survived my flight from Austin and dis-boarded the plane straight into the great breezy beautiful Californian outdoors. He introduced me to Maria Taylor on our bonding chatting way into L.A. Great Thai dinner prior to Rosi’s set at the Hotel Cafe. We walked and held hands and fell right into that imaginary happy place. Me in cowboy boots, He in his Hollywood finery. The Hotel Cafe is splendid. It’s speak-easy-esque with the dark seductive look and corners and long dark red curtains. Two people fainted during Rosi’s set causing quite a stir, but besides for that it was a happy lot of faces I recognized. Mark, the creator of One Tree Hill was there, and I was delighted that he remembered me from his party. He was there with a young looking girl writer. I also met Steve, an actor on the show (I think). The band that Ben had gone on tour with was there, or at least Shane was. So was a dude named Fitzgerald. Anyway I had a great time that night and I know I’d want to spend more time at that venue.

Then Brandon took me around the corner to his room-mates venue: Piano Bar. It was also a really cool spot. But then we decided to go home light up a hookah and drink a bottle of Jameson. So we did. We also got down and dirt in talking straight which was crucial in my book. So…we get a big fat Check. I now understand the thing with Her, and what She meant about all of Them, and how he feels about Him and Her. The next morning we went to a scrumptious French restaurant called Figaro in Los Altos (?) which reminded me of Beauty and the Beast. Really cool decor and vibe. We sat in big fat soft comfy sofa chairs and took our time eating and drinking and enjoying eachother’s company. Unfortunately he had to cut his time short because duties call when Family is the matter. But not before we came up with a brilliant plan concerning the keys. Involving Floss. Yes, the kind you use for your teeth.

Yup.